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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Prepare yourself for a classic Portland spring day which includes all of the following, and perhaps more: Showers! Sun! Hail! Frigid temperatures! Boiling temperatures! I mean, if it suddenly started raining frogs, I'd probably shrug and crawl back under my comforter. However, at least we can always count on some frog-free NEWS.


• A federal judge has slapped down the cruel shenanigans of politicians from the city of Brookings, Oregon, who tried to severely restrict a Methodist church from feeding the homeless and needy. The city said they would fine the church $720 if they violated a new rule stating that free food could only be served twice a week and for only three hours per day—down from three to four times per week. The judge rightly ruled that the law—which the city claimed was enacted to discourage crime and maintain peace and order—lacked logic and was morally bereft, as the city's leaders repeatedly referred to the homeless as "vagrants."

• While another similar report says differently, a study by Colliers real estate firm reports that Portland has the highest downtown vacancy rate of any large city in the nation (and will probably continue to rise as current leases expire). And while downtown business moguls and real estate trolls are screaming "HOMELESSNESS! CRIME! GARBAGE! HIGH TAXES!," the most likely culprit is a familiar one: The rent is too damn high! Even though the vacancy rate continued to grow in 2023, that didn't stop landlords from increasing the rent on average of 11 percent. (File this under "things that make you go hmmmmmm....")

• The city is prepping to revise its controversial odor control policy, which allowed anonymous NIMBYs to shut down the minority-owned Pho Gabo restaurant in Northeast Portland. Commish Carmen Rubio says the city code is outdated and needs to be revised and replaced with "a more fair, practical, and equitable approach." (Maybe with a new "Shut up, idiot NIMBYs" rule?)

• Good news for soccer fans, star forward Sophia Smith will continue playing for the Portland Thorns thanks to a new multi-year contract that also makes her the highest paid player in the NWSL! ⚽💥😀

• In other good sports news, this weekend Portland will be the proud host for part of the NCAA's  Sweet 16 and Elite 8 women's basketball tournament, and it's proving to be a nice economic boost for the city as more teams than ever (along with their many fans) are booking hotel rooms and eating at our world-class restaurants.


• Former Democratic senator and vice-presidential nominee Joe Lieberman has died at the age of 82, after suffering complications following a fall. He spent four decades in the senate and was Al Gore's running mate in the controversial 2000 election, which put George W. Bush and Dick Cheney in the White House.

• Because he simply cannot SHUT UP, unemployed criminal Donald Trump verbally attacked the judge who issued a gag order against him, while also shit-talking the judge's daughter who he idiotically thinks influenced her father. (Ummmm... exactly how many gag orders does he have to violate before he'll be tossed in jail... you know, like the rest of us would be?)

• Republicans have a new theory as to why a giant container ship plowed into and destroyed Baltimore's Francis Scott Key Bridge: it's "diversity's" fault! Utah state Rep. Phil Lyman laid the blame squarely on Port of Baltimore Commissioner Karenthia Barber, who is Black as well as an expert on diversity, equity, inclusion, tweeting “This is what happens when you have governors who prioritize diversity over the wellbeing and security of citizens.” If it's any consolation, the internet is currently roasting him like a pig on a spit.

• A suspect has been arrested in the brutal stabbing murders of four people in Rockford, Illinois. Seven other people were injured in the attack which occurred in multiple locations, and so far officials have no clues as to what led up to the killings.

• And finally... when I get caught face deep in the ice cream.