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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! It's Thursday, April 18, and HOW MANY SLICES OF PIZZA HAVE YOU CRAMMED IN YOUR MOUTH THIS WEEK? Since there are more than 50 local pizza joints participating in the Mercury's PIZZA WEEK (happening right now, but only through Sunday), I hope you've eaten at least 32 of those deee-licious $3 slices! If not? Girrrrrl, you best get to work! And while you're at it, get to work on today's NEWS.


• Power-famished Commissioner Rene Gonzalez is at it again! This time the wildly unqualified mayoral wannabe (and poster child for Portland's richest and meanest shitheads) wants to put the city's "time, place, and manner" ordinance (AKA the one the city used to unsuccessfully criminalize homelessness) under the complete power of the future mayor... which he thinks will be him! Oh, and he also added this little cruel nugget to his dastardly plan currently under consideration: If the US Supreme Court overturns the Martin v. Boise decision (which rightly restricts camping bans when cities refuse to supply ample shelter), then people who violate his revised ban "could face a $500 fine or up to six months in jail." Fellow business puppets, Commissioners Dan Ryan and Mingus Mapps, are reportedly "considering it." Here's your weekly reminder to VOTE THEM ALL OUT OF OFFICE WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE.

• Very much related 👀...

• Welp, the Portland Police are costing the city taxpayers another cool $1.6 million after Portland was forced to hire an independent monitoring firm to make sure the cops adhere to the DOJ's required "use of force" rules which were put into place after years of police abuse toward those with mental illness. There were a number of firms considered to take over the DOJ's watch—but is the one Portland picked up to snuff? Read our Courtney Vaughn's excellent article and find out for yourself!

• Governor Tina Kotek has apparently changed her mind about vetoing $14 million for several water infrastructure projects around the state, after originally being concerned that these municipalities weren't doing enough to provide new housing. However, after receiving assurances that they would make housing production a priority, Kotek said she would allow funding to go through—while keeping a suspicious eye on each to make sure they're holding up their ends of the bargain.

• John Schroder, better known as Portland's legendary Elvis impersonator, is reportedly getting evicted from the room he's been renting in a house on North Gantenbein for 22 years, after his landlord announced it was "time for him to leave." His friends have started a GoFundMe account and are on the lookout for a new living situation for the beloved Portland legend.


• Jury selection for the Trump criminal hush money trial continues as one seated juror has already been dismissed for the crime of... *checks notes*... writing a 2017 online post with the words "Lock Him Up!" in reference to the former president, who objectively really should be locked up. Meanwhile another juror was rejected after posting a video of New Yorkers celebrating Joe Biden's 2020 presidential win. (Why will the next juror be rejected? For raising an eyebrow when Trump separated 5000 migrant children from their parents and kept them all in cages? THIS TRIAL IS GONNA TAKE FOREVERRRRRRR.)

• Perp walk:

• Meanwhile, prosecutors in the Trump hush money case say that the former prez has violated his gag order a whopping seven additional times—and that's just since Monday! The judge says he will add that to the growing pile of three previous gag order violations, all of which he will consider next Tuesday. I'm guessing Trump will have racked up about 37 violations total by then. MAKE IT AN EVEN 40, COWARD!

• The shot....

• And the chaser.

• That NPR editor who wrote a critical essay about his employers and company for supposedly stifling conservative coverage, particularly after Trump became president, has resigned from his job, and is probably on the lookout for a new gig at FOX News or The Epoch Times. No word yet on if the door hit his ass on the way out.

• In other employment news, Google has fired 28 employees who were part of a sit-in at their offices in Seattle, New York, and Sunnyvale, California. The workers were protesting the company's contract to provide Israel's government and military with cloud and artificial intelligence services which the country will undoubtedly use to continue their genocide against the Palestinian people. Nine employees were arrested after sitting down and refusing to leave the office of Google Cloud CEO Thomas Kurian.

• And finally... Portlanders kicking away Commissioner Gonzalez' cruel proposals one-by-one.