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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Say goodbye to the morning sun, and say hello to the first day of a rainy weekend, with showers developing this afternoon and then continuing through Sunday, and highs in the upper 50s. The good news? Ummmm... you don't have to wash your car? 😬 And now here's the good news/bad news of... today's NEWS.


• GOOD NEWS! The Mercury's May Primary Endorsements have arrived, so you may now fill out your ballot. We worked our buttz off to bring you the best, most trustworthy endorsements in town, and... how do we know we're the best? Well, for one thing we didn't endorse Nathan Vasquez, Sam Adams, or Jessie Burke. (I understand that's a low bar.) Seriously though, our endorsements are great, and more importantly, CORRECT—so grab your ballot and let's get votin'!

• Six days after pro-Palestine protesters occupied the Portland State University library, police barged in and swept and evicted the building's occupants, not once, but twice on Thursday. While many escaped the first purge, riot clad cops arrested twelve demonstrators on their first pass, and after an afternoon of creating a human shield in front of the library and listening to hundreds chant (with very little signs of violence), the police departed in the late afternoon. Aaaaaand that's when protesters returned and re-occupied the library. Police moved back in, cleared the building, and by the time the night was through, had arrested 30 total for the day. Mayor Wheeler held a press conference to say that if the protesters thought that occupying a school building was an effective way of changing policy, they are "delusional." (But perhaps he's forgetting about the numerous times that campus occupation have been successful at changing policy. Tomato, to-mah-to, I guess! 🤷‍♂️) Our Courtney Vaughn has more!

• And the award for most "Overdramatic Telenovela" goes to....

• In a move that must have burned Rene Gonzalez's toast, Mayor Ted Wheeler announced that the city intends to fully fund the wildly successful and popular Portland Street Response program, which assists those in most cases of mental distress instead of the police. Teasing the latest proposed city budget, Wheeler also said the cash-strapped fire bureau would be funded as well, and while the mayor's announcement about PSR's rescue from the clutches of Gonzalez and his wealthy puppet masters came as welcome news, one should also REMEMBER THIS:

• Hey, you've probably heard of the very popular The People's Courts, which features tons of pickleball, ping pong, cornhole, and other fun sporty-sports—but did you know it also has delicious food? Check out our review, and let your hatred of pickleball be overruled by your stomach for once!


• Today in Donald Trump's first criminal trial (of which there will be many), his former trusted advisor Hope Hicks is scheduled to take the stand. You may remember Hope as a major figure in Special Counsel Robert S. Mueller's investigation of Trump and the Russians in the 2016 election interference case, and now prosecutors will be asking her pointed questions about the former president's cozy relationship with the National Enquirer in regards to the Stormy Daniels hush money investigation. Why? Because she's seen it all. LET'S POP SOME CORN! 🍿

• Meanwhile Trump was hilariously disabused of the notion that he would not be allowed to testify in his hush money case because he is currently under a gag order. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA! I would say "nice try, idiot," except that is one of the most hilariously idiotic arguments I've ever heard. (Not surprising, considering the source.)

• In campus protest news, roughly 2,000 university protesters have been arrested nationwide since pro-Palestinian demonstrations have begun. And those arrests just keep ticking up as cops continue to break up protests on the campuses of NYU and The New School in New York, while President Biden issued his first remarks on the topic, saying, “There’s the right to protest but not the right to cause chaos.” (He didn't actually define what he means by "chaos"—but I suspect it might mean "anything that even slightly disturbs the status quo"?)

• Oh, and here's a plot point that cops are currently trying to hammer home and national media is all too happy to lap up: "100+ arrested in NY campus crackdowns not affiliated with schools." And to that I say, "WHO CARES IF THEY AREN'T STUDENTS?" If a public school is taking money from me to educate kids while also turning a blind eye to the 34,000 (!) murdered Palestinians at the hands of Israel, then that should be a major concern to everyone... not just students. Here endeth today's lesson.

• More trouble for serial animal murderer (and South Dakota governor) Kristi Noem: Questions are being raised about the validity of two rather dubious claims in her new book, in which Noem claims to have met with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un—🤔—and that she was once supposedly "threatened" by Ambassador Nikki Haley, which she almost certainly was not. (I cannot wait to watch the hilarious movie version of this! 😃)

• And finally... OMIGOD YOU TWO GET A ROOM!!