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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Look out, everybody! IT IS ELECTION DAY! 🤯😲🙀 But before you fly into a full-blown panic, please do not forget that the Mercury is right by your side with our excellent and trustworthy endorsements, and (for those in a hurry... you know, like YOU) our handy-dandy Voter Cheat Sheet! Seriously though, even if you're busy today, remember to vote (there's a ballot drop off location near you)... because there's a creepy conservative wave trying to horn in on a lot of races, and you'll be dealing with the fallout for YEARS. So do the right thing, American, and VOTE. Now let's elect some of the day's most interesting NEWS.


• In election news, have you received a billion bullshit mailers this past week from the mysterious (and out-of-state) Voters for Responsive Government group, featuring ridiculous lies about 3rd congressional district candidate Susheela Jayapal? Welp, yesterday was the day they were supposed to reveal the names of the donors from their required federal filing disclosure, and when they did, the form was... BLANK? Turns out, in order to skirt revealing the names of their creepy donors, they waited until May to pump $3.25 million into the anti-Jayapal smear campaign, so they could continue to hide their benefactors until after election day. 😡 (I bet you know how to respond... VOTE SUSHEELA JAYAPAL!)

• Another great reason to vote today? Voter turnout in the tri-county area is at this point VERY LOW, in that only 20 percent of registered voters have turned in their ballots as of yesterday. You don't want the wrong people representing you, right? So get those ballots in before 8 pm tonight! (Again with the drop off locations.) And don't forget to join the Mercury's Election Strike Force tonight starting at 7 pm as we report the latest election results, and sample allllll the snacks at the candidate parties! PLEASE & THANK YOU!

• Check out this headline: "Portland hotels are little more than half full, lagging other cities." And now think about how wildly PISSED these hotel owners must be at the Portland crybaby billionaires and their cynical minions who spent much of 2020 and beyond slagging our town and destroying tourism for their own personal gain. Read more about THAT here, and remember, if a bunch of conservatives are elected to the Multnomah County Board of Commissioners in today's election, well... nobody is visiting Portland to see Standard Insurance and Greg Goodman's downtown parking lots.

• Expect traffic delays on Portland's bridges for the next few days due to filming of The Night Always Comes (penned by Oregon's author/musician Willy Vlautin, and starring my dreamboat from The Crown, Vanessa Kirby SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!). I will try not to further block traffic by standing nearby the filming and squealing, "VANESSA KIRBY SQUEEEEEEEEEE!!"—but I can't make any promises.


• Try to contain your shock, but Donald "Orange Turd" Trump will not be taking the stand and testifying on his own behalf in his New York criminal hush money trial, as the defense has decided to rest their shaky case. (I suppose he doesn't want to have to say "I plead the fifth" a billion times.) Closing arguments are scheduled for next Tuesday— and think Trump will be able to keep his mouth shut and not violate his gag order until then? HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! What do you think?

• BUT! Before the Trump defense rested their case, the courtroom erupted into chaos yesterday when Judge Juan Merchan cleared the room of reporters to admonish Trump's star witness Robert Costello, who couldn't keep his distaste for the proceedings to himself, and was caught rolling his eyes and attempting to stare down the judge. (It's almost as if everyone in Trump's circle hates the rule of law, or something!)

• Today in "saying the quiet part out loud": A very blatant Nazi reference to building a "unified Reich" was posted on Trump's social media account yesterday, and was quickly deleted after everyone rightly lost their got-damned minds. Trump's campaign staff is trying to dismiss it as a simple mistake made by a minion... which might work if Trump hadn't made past references to the gestapo and repeated Hitler's racist rhetoric.

• One person is dead and 30 others were injured during a severely turbulent Singapore Airlines flight to London, which threw passengers around the plane. 

• And finally... so is this thing going to be nominated for an Oscar? BECAUSE IT SHOULD BE.