MONDAY, JUNE 25

Whatâs up, dearest darlings? Before we launch into a week that will surely be shat upon by the buffoonish DJT (who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes), letâs peek at the hottest gossâstarring Suri Cruise! As we recall, Suri is the daughter of Scientologyâs fave cultist, Tom Cruise, and his ex-wife/escapee, Katie Holmes! So whatâs she been up to? Promoting capitalism at NYCâs Pride parade! According to Us Weekly, Suri spent Pride Sunday selling lemonade to LGBTQ well-wishers along the parade route. â[Suri and her friends] had rainbow Rice Krispie treats and lemonade with signs all around their table for Pride,â said a snoopy spy. âShe was very sweet and kind, telling everyone to enjoy their day.â âGreat Thetanâs ghosts!â bellowed Emperor Klaaktu of Rigel VII via intergalactic holotubes! âHow many Earth monetary units did Suri make with this quaint âlemonade stand,â Ann?â Umm... we dunno, Klaaktu! Considering sheâs a celebrity and the massive crowd... maybe a few hundred bucks? âBlarthagnimum!â Klaaktu squealed, his 13 fleshy tentacles waving as acidic saliva frothed from his mouths. âThose units should have gone to SCIENTOLOGY! How can we afford to extinguish the human race if Suriâthe rightful leader of our galactic murder armiesâspends all her money on kid pilates?? BAH! Fine! Iâll show her! Iâll set up a sautĂŠed plasma eel stand during the coming Thanagarian Self-Esteem Procession, and weâll just SEE whoâs more adept at obtaining the greatest sum of gold-pressed latinum! Have a nice moon-cycle, human fools! FOR IT SHALL BE YOUR LAST.â
TUESDAY, JUNE 26

Remember 2016? When Senate Majority Turtle Mitch McConnell blocked Obamaâs Supreme Court nominee, allowing Trump to successfully install conservative toady Neil Gorsuch? That craven move paid off big time for Republicans today when the Supremes handed down four regressive decisions: upholding the presidentâs racist anti-Muslim travel ban; striking down a California law that required Christian âcrisis pregnancy centersâ to provide women with abortion information; allowing American Express to keep customers in the dark about credit cards with lower fees; and restricting public unions from collecting money that financed workplace negotiations. All were 5-to-4 decisions, straight down partisan lines. Oh, and a little salt for that wound: McConnell celebrated todayâs GOP victories by emerging from his shell long enough to tweet a photo of himself shaking Gorsuchâs hand. AND THE HITS JUST KEEP ON COMING... Hours later, Justice Anthony Kennedy announced heâs retiring from the Supreme Court, handing Trump another opportunity to stack the court with right-wingers. This is really not good. The Party of Trump now controls all three branches of governmentâwhich makes it more important than ever that, in November, we throw these immoral swamp monsters out on their asses. We can cry about it, or we can take our country back. You know what to do.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 27
Oh boy! More hot Scientology goss! In an interview on Today, former Scientology security guard Brendan Tighe spilled some tea about the cultâs most beloved celeb, Tom Cruise, and... wait. Scarlett Johansson?? According to Tighe, in the mid-2000s he âaccidentallyâ stumbled upon a list of women who were âauditioningâ to date Cruise after his split with Nicole Kidmanâone of whom was allegedly Johansson. Needless to say, she was not having a single ounce of that nonsense! âThe very idea of any person auditioning to be in a relationship is so demeaning,â Johansson rightly said in a statement to the Hollywood Reporter. âI refuse for anyone to spread the idea that I lack the integrity to choose my own relationships. Only a man aka Brendan Tighe would come up with a crazy story likeââ âOHHHHH, so thatâs what happened to my list!â interrupted Emperor Klaaktu of Rigel VII for the second time in a single column! âOf course ScarJo didnât audition to date Tom Cruise! But I really wanted her to! At the time, I also suggested Amanda Bynes, Mandy Moore, Jessica Simpson, and Cydrorfa Vreixxâarb (yes, sheâs my cousin, but she has a great personality).â
THURSDAY, JUNE 28
Today in Annapolis, Maryland, a gunman with a longstanding grudge against the Capital Gazette newspaper barricaded the paperâs back door before shooting his way into the newsroom, using a shotgun to murder five of the Capital Gazetteâs staff: assistant editor and columnist Robert Hiaasen, age 59; staff writer John McNamara, age 56; special publications editor Wendi Winters, age 65; sales assistant Rebecca Smith, age 34; and editorial page editor Gerald Fischman, age 61. Remarkably, surviving staffers carried on after the massacreâincluding photojournalist Joshua McKerrow and reporters Chase Cook and Pat Fergurson, who, from a nearby parking garage, used the back of Fergusonâs pickup truck as a desk to help report on the shooting, profile those who were killed, and publish an issue of the paper the next day. âToday we are speechless,â read the text on that morningâs opinion pageâwhich was largely blank, where the paperâs editorials would normally be. âTomorrow this page will return to its steady purpose of offering our readers informed opinion about the world around them, that they might be better citizens.â NEEDLESS TO SAY... The Mercury, along with countless other media organizations, was shaken by the shooting, which, probably not coincidentally, followed years of Trump calling the news media âthe enemy of the American people,â urging his followers to harass reporters, and insisting actual news is âfake news.â It also came just a couple of days after right-wing troll Milo Yiannopoulous told the Observer, âI canât wait for the vigilante squads to start gunning journalists down on sight.â SO... Perhaps youâve noticed itâs been a rough couple of years for the news media. Perhaps youâve also noticed that reporters, editors, and publishers are still at it anyway. The Mercuryâs deepest condolences go out to everyone at the Capital Gazetteâand our thanks, too, for their reminder of the passion and purpose that power Americaâs free press.
FRIDAY, JUNE 29
Behind the scenes in Washington, the New York Times reports, âThe White House waged a quiet campaign to ensure that Mr. Trump had a second opportunityâ to pick a Supreme Court justice. While some members of the Trump administration worked to âassure Justice Anthony M. Kennedy that his judicial legacy would be in good hands should he step down,â other Trump lickspittles more or less bullied Kennedy into retiring, âwarning the 81-year-old justice that time was of the essence.â We only mention this, dears, because clearly, this week wasnât bad enough. We swear to Christ, if things donât turn around... hey! Maybe Suri can bring us some rainbow Rice Krispie treats to cheer us up? We could all use a few of those right about now, right?
SATURDAY, JUNE 30
Well, Suri didnât come by with Rice Krispie treats, which made us sad... but then we remembered martinis exist, so now weâre (*hic*) doing great! Oh, and we also remembered that Marco Rubio fucking sucks. âSign of our times...â tweeted Rubio. âThe F word is now routinely used in news stories, tweets etc Itâs not even F*** anymore. Who made that decision???â Rubioâwho somehow lost the Republican primaries to Donald Fucking Trumpâis exactly the kind of smug, sanctimonious dipshit whoâd tattle on someone for using âthe F wordâ... but rather than dwell on that, letâs look at the best response his stupid tweet got. âThere are nearly 2000 fucking kids who were taken from their fucking parents by the fucking government that you fucking work for, most of whom havenât been fucking returned,â tweeted @slpng_giants. âAnd youâre going to make a fucking word the fucking thing you make noise about? Are you fucking serious?â Sometimes, dears, the English language is a beautiful thing.
SUNDAY, JUNE 31

And after a week like this, we end on just a glimmer of happiness: Donald Trump got prank called, leading to âan impromptu six-minute conversation on immigration and the Supreme Court between the president and the radio host and comedian John Melendez, known to his listeners as âStuttering John,ââ reports the New York Times. Melendez somehow got connected to Trump on Air Force One despite the fact that, just minutes before, he and his producer âcould be heard on his podcast discussing what they said were the presidentâs masturbation habits and whether to refill their beers while they waited to be connected to the leader of the free world.â Just minutes before that, Melendez âcalled the White House switchboard, affected a British accent, and identified himself as Sean Moore (âS-E-A-N, as in Sean Connery, and Moore, as in Roger Mooreâ),â claiming to be an aide to New Jersey Senator Robert Menendez. And it worked. Well done, Stuttering John! If nothing else, you distracted historyâs most gullible president for six whole minutesâthus preventing him from doing something else that probably wouldâve made this week even more awful.