Courtesy Mark Wahlberg's Instagram

According to BBC News, Mark "Marky Mark" Wahlberg recently hopped on Instagram to discuss his daily regimen with fans... AND IT IS FUCKED UP, FAMILY.

As you can see from the pic below, Mark gets up at 2:30 in the morning, spends 30 minutes praying, has breakfast, a workout, and another meal... and it's not even 6 am yet!!



1) What is he praying for at 2:45 in the morning? "Oh lord, please grant me the energy to work in a second breakfast before 6 am!"
2) Seriously? A second breakfast? The only time I've ever had a second breakfast is when Denny's used to give away free meals on your birthday, and I went five times in one day. #HumbleBrag
3) He showers from 6 am to 7:30? (Hey Willamette Week, put him on the cover of your Water Hogs issue!)
4) So he takes an hour and a half shower... but "plays golf" for 30 minutes? Wait... never mind. "Playing golf" is code for masturbating. Also, "8 am to 9:30 am snack" is code for masturbating.
5) Here's my favorite item on his to-do list: "9:30 cryo chamber recovery." I picture this as a sort of "Lazarus Pit" in which he climbs in and emerges 20 years younger in order to make sure his women co-stars are getting paid significantly less than him.
6) "11:00 family time/work meetings/work calls." Click here to hear Harry Chapin's "Cat's in the Cradle."
7) "2:00 meetings/work calls." Click here to hear the Offspring's "Why Don't You Get a Job?"
8) So at 3 pm, he "picks up the kids from school" and for being such an AH-MAY-ZING dude and dad, he gives himself a cookie at 3:30. Reminder: Marky Mark racially assaulted two Asian men and a Black woman when he was young. I'll take that cookie, thankyouverymuch.
9) He works out for a second time at 4 pm, before having another shower (masturbation), another meal (probably also masturbation), before finally turning in to sleep at 7:30 pm, after which he'll wake up again at 2:30 am to start the cycle all over again?? When's he gonna have time to say hi to my mom? Or most importantly... FEEL THE VIBRATION?