Would you buy this romance novel at a grocery store? Yes, you would.
Would you buy this romance novel at a grocery store? Yes, you would. Kevin Winter / Getty Images

Hello friends, lovers, and those I've yet to categorize, and welcome to another edition of THE TRASH REPORT! Let's roll around in it together like dogs do when they find something gross on the beach, then smell so bad that somebody gives us a bath.

Nobody told me the fall of democracy would be so cringe

The January 6th Committee kicked off their primetime hearings and I'm paying attention through squinted eyes, both horrified by the facts, and terrified to see how the Democrats are going to blow it:

The beautiful Pacific Northwest has a strong connection to the hearings with the Proud Boys, who rose to prominence with their stupid name by terrorizing our fair city. I hate when Portland is in the national news. It's always bad. You know who's not proud of these boys? Me. Let's start a petition to change their name to the Embarrassing Boys.

Republican seditionists on what's "wholesome"

Congresswoman Lauren Boebert tweeted last week to "Take your children to CHURCH, not drag bars." I don't know if I'd trust any recommendation about wholesome family activities from Boebert, whose husband did jail time for exposing his wiener to two young women at a bowling alley. But leave it to a public library to turn the pile-on wholesome again:

Sounds like a pretty nice day! (Except for the church part—not my scene.)

What all is included with comprehensive car insurance?

A Missouri woman was recently awarded $5.2 million by Geico because she contracted HPV from having unprotected sex in her then-boyfriend's insured vehicle. The Depp/Heard defamation trial resulted in many victims of domestic violence withdrawing their claims, but let's hope this court case inspires the opposite; let us rise up together, and where traditional methods of action fail to hold men accountable for their behavior, let's hold car insurance companies accountable for insuring cars driven by assholes. Cars are supposed to come standard with airbags, not douchebags.

Get married baby, one more time!

Congratulations are in order for Ms. Britney Jean Spears, who married her longtime boyfriend Sam Asghari. Asghari looks like he could model for the cover of a romance novel about a hardened billionaire businessman with no time for love but softens when he meets the woman of his dreams—an artist trying to make it in the big city —who he then ravages in all sorts of creative and generous ways, but then there's trouble with his corporation because his dangerous and withholding father says he has no time for love, he has to do his duty to the family by carrying on the family business, and he's so torn, because does he want to live a life with power or a life with love, and for a minute she thinks he's choosing power, and she flees to her hometown, where she runs into an old flame, and she thinks maybe she could learn to be with him and have a simpler life, but then the main guy realizes what a fool he's been to let her go, so he goes to the small town, and finds the girl, and proposes in the town square, and they honeymoon on a yacht and have sex all over it. This is, of course, the highest compliment I can give a heterosexual man.

I mean, look at him:

I hope he holds a camera while Britney twirls in her living room for as long as they both shall live.

Happy Pride!

This isn't news so much as something I just need to talk about: I was recently at a local grocery store looking for a card when I saw that there are now categories for "woman to woman romance" and "man to man romance." Good for them, I thought! Then I read the card:


The cover of the woman to woman card says "We both poop in the same toilet." WHAT?! Women in the "romance" stage of a relationship do not acknowledge pooping whatsoever. Also, how is living in a one-bathroom house specific to lesbians? And who says lesbians could not live in a house with more than one bathroom?? From anti-trans legislation to this greeting card, our society is finding all sorts of new ways to fail our LGBTQIA friends.

And I hope you have a wonderful week. Thanks for reading, and I'll see you back here soon. Until then, be extra nice to lesbians, because we know greeting cards won't be.

In romantic love,