What are you guys doing this Saturday? Ascending to Heaven? No? Okay, then here are some things you can busy yourself with.

Celebrate Non-Judgment Day: Portland's most fabulous gay face-painters, the Sister of Perpetual Indulgence, are celebrating Non-Judgment Day with a Fatalicious Fashion Show at Crush Bar. You can commit so many deadly sins in one place! Lust, Gluttony, Pride, Envy...

Learn About the Science of Narnia: On the same day as the Rapture, an exhibition about the Chronicles of Narnia will be opening at the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry. Coincidence?! No. I know where the true believers will be. And it's learning about C.S. Lewis in a science museum.

Participate in Post-Rapture Looting: 298,000 people on Facebook are psyched for the Return of Christ because it will mean free shoes and televisions for all heathens!

Pranks! There is ample opportunity for hilarity. Like this one.

Talk to a Homeless Person: WWJD? He would definitely attend a Q&A at the library with a homeless guy. And he'd bring cookies, I hope.

Stock up for the Big One: I called the Portland Preparedness Store to see if anyone was stocking up on canned bacon and grain mills for the coming Rapture. Employee Jaym Wolf had no idea what I was talking about ("I'm so far out of the Christian loop") but warned me that instead of May 21st, the day to watch out for is June 15th. That's when the planets align and will apparently cause another earthquake like the one that recently hit Japan. Wolf says this information has been confirmed by Ramtha, a deity who is 32,000 years older than Jesus Christ. Don't say I didn't warn you.