...faux-hawked, whiny floppin' weekend pick-up futbol player:

Why do I have to fetch your errant kicks every time you grunt "a little help"? I just wanna run around the track and burn off some empty calories that I consumed way too much of the night before. Have the rookies chase the balls so I can run in peace...why don'tcha? Here's another soccer player adjective to add to the pile...lazy.
You did bring the magic shattered shin reconstruction spray, I hope?