To the lady who posted this in our neighborhood online forum:

"Two of my young crows from this year's flock were found dead side-by-side in my garden yesterday. No signs of mauling or having been shot. A third is looking lethargic, letting me get too close, not really hungry. I'm sad and worried."

... and to those who chimed in offering her support and concern: YOU ARE CRAZY CROW PEOPLE! Who would refer to these winged nightmares as 'my crows?' The same sort who would say 'my rats?' 'My ticks?' Who refers to 'this year's flock' as though they are a brood of prized Angora bunnies in the county fucking 4-H fair?

Crows are a menace! More than a few of us on a block just around the corner from you have been discussing this for weeks: how they keep us awake with their horrific cawing starting at 5 am, disrupt those of us trying to work from home all goddamn day long, swoop into our yards and frighten away hummingbirds and songbirds that are ACTUALLY WORTH HAVING AROUND, attack and kill other creatures. Crows have been shown to recognize the faces of humans who have wronged them, target them as enemies, and ATTACK. We pray that this awful fate does not befall you, as it did Tippi Hedren.

We really do support crows (#CawLivesMatter), but, like pigs, they belong in the country. If you are feeding them, as the tone of your missive suggests, please be considerate of your neighbors and STOP, for God's sake. (You better not be feeding the goddamn squirrels, either.)