Did you see the presser today? Our local gelatinous, flatulent, abhorrent torrent of diarrhea, Mars Martian (who knows, maybe that'll fool his ego-surfing), was the first ever pseudo-journalist to get to fellate Prawn Slicer via the interwebs today! Yeah, because all those people who've spent their lives honing their investigative and communications skills in service of the people's right to know...well, fuck them! Let's put in an escalator to the press room so dipshit radio hacks from the ass-end of the universe (love ya, Stumptown!) who never had the spunk or chops to make it in the real world can give their orange alt-hero and his entourage a full-throated ball cupping! And can you believe Mars goes Bundy on the motherfucker? Oh, fuck, I'm running out of tears and the ability to understand whether I am laughing or crying. Can we get to the part where ol' Prawn fucks up and tells the truth and the real president, Sleeve Boner, puts him down, live on teevee, with two in his dome, for treason?
Oh, My Aching Skype!
The views expressed in these submissions are from anonymous, unverified sources and do not necessarily represent those of the Portland Mercury.