I really miss you.

Despite the way you ended things, and cut me so cleanly from your life, it feels as though my main muscle, my heart muscle, is cramping a whole lot of times throughout the day. One of the hardest tasks you are asking of me, is to let go of my love for you. One of the hardest tasks that I am begging of myself, is to stop feeling so much heartache for the amazing times we shared. Neither of those two tasks are going so well.

I am trying though, I swear I am. My friends have pep talked me until there are no more useful words left. My people have done all that they can. I've managed to put on my bravest face when I have to face others, and no stranger could ever recognize how close I am to tears. I've been through these emotions before, but I've never loved someone the way I loved you.

It's so instinctual to reach for my phone, but then I remember that we are no longer speaking. I've reached for so many chocolate bars that I knew you would have liked, but quickly pulled my arm back, and rushed out of the candy aisle. Last Friday, I woke up, and thought "it's time to send my Happy Friday text!", but then felt my heart hit my feet. Often times, I am so so angry by the way you ended things because it tainted all of the good that we shared. The way you said goodbye made me question how you could have ever cared for me. I know have to stop loving you, J, but I’m not doing a very good job. How do I say goodbye, when I’m still in love with the hellos?