I fucking hate mall 205.

Good rant, but the odds of catching and prosecuting a bike thief in Portland are about as good as the odds that the thief cares about your military experience, i.e., approaching zero.

50-50 chance it's already been parted out in a homeless camp chop shop somewhere, but don't expect any help from the PPB.

DUDE
When will you find these guys? I
mean, do you have any promising leads?

The policeman laughs, agreeing broadly.

POLICEMAN
Leads, yeah. I'll just check with
the boys down at the Crime Lab.
They've assigned four more detectives
to the case, got us working in shifts.

The Dude looks sadly through his window at the policeman
rocking back on his heels, his raucous laughter muffled by
the glass.

I anonie, they will steal from anyone, and you have seen all the mean guys and girls that show up nightly on the news. Like^SnickerD said, you will have to move on. Do you know that we all get took, but this one has deep meaning for your means of getting out and about. Thank you for your service. I really mean that and think of all the little kids that have disabilities and have been victims of thefts of their wheelchairs,bikes etc. I hope the thief is caught and you remain calm.

the biggest pile of shit is not the one I cleaned up this morning
or came out of my ass
it's this bullshit.
and the people that want to eat this shit.

the biggest pile of shit is not the one I cleaned up this morning
or came out of my ass
it's this bullshit.
and you folks that want to eat this shit.

It sucks that your bike got stolen and frankly I don't want to think about the kind of jerks who would steal from a 66-year old veteran but honestly, I wouldn't count on the cops to find your bike in one piece. Bikes get stolen in Portland just about every day and the most you can do at the moment is prepare yourself so that it never happens again. Keep it hidden, locked up tight, and maybe throw in an alarm.

66 year old Steven Segal calls up his buddies who are hanging out in front of the Chevron

"They stole it. My bike. It's gone. I, feel, upset."

Cue panning long shot, black and white, slow haunting Spaghetti Western soundtrack, slow motion footage 5 friends riding down street on bikes. The first, Arnie, on a chrome bmx with a 5' USA flag flying from behind it. Other riders non descript on random bikes. The last, bringing the rear, Sylvester, riding a Triumph Café with a Gadsden Flag. The irony of the flag should not be pronounced. Veiwers will understand. Fade to black.

Cue, group at McDonalds for coffee. Telling stories. Background through glass, rack focus from group to tweakers getting on unlocked bikes and riding away. With rack focus, fade out dialogue to "we are the Champions." Full stop to white. Fade white to sun and pan down to street kid riding triumph with Gadsden flag on nondescript road. Camera dollies around him. Street kid triumphantly fist pumps the air. Freeze frame ala breakfast club ending. Credits.

Get a sticker for your next bike that says "This Bike is a Pipe Bomb"