*Ring *Ring

"45th president of the United States, leader of the free world, winner of the popular vote if not for 3 million illegal voters, how may I help you?"



"Yessir. I'm sorry for this recent revelation about that Russian meeting you had me go to last year. It's really getting out of hand."

"Oh, don't worry about it, boy. Just deflect with something Obama or Clinton did, or call it fake news and it'll all be fine. It's worked for me thus far. Hold on while I shovel this iceberg lettuce drenched in Ranch dressing into my mouth..."

"Yeah, but I'm on record as saying that I didn't meet with no Russians. Daddy, what do I do?!"

"Calm down, calm down.. listen, just stick to our talking points and all will be fine. I'll even tweet that I dig your transparency."

"Is that enough, though? I mean, I keep thinking about if Chelsea Clinton had met with the Russian government to acquire damaging information on you.. wouldn't that be that treason or something?"

"Son, we're Republicans. We're held to a much lower standard. Plus, our base... (*whispers) they're not that bright."

"But daddy... does this mean I'm out of my inheritance?"

"Well son, I have to say yes. I'll wire you 14 million in the morning and you'll have to scrape by like I did. I'm sorry, son"


"Be a man, son. And if you get arrested, I'll just pardon you. I gotta go now, my steak drenched in ketchup is ready for me to shovel. Stand strong... and remember: Always pivot to Obama or Clinton, call it fake news, or degrade some woman's appearance and it'll all be fine... our base loves that stuff."

"Ok, daddy."