To Whomever is still setting off booming fireworks in Portsmouth on July Fucking 18th:

Can you just FUCKING STOP??? Jesus Fucking Christ. Just fucking stop. First of all, fireworks are fucking stupid. They are not entertaining. It’s underwhelming garbage and we all know it. Even fucking children know it. You pay some child labor-employing Chinese factory $100 to go stand outside for an hour and watch a repetitive glorification of 18th century battle scenes. WHY? Why. Is that window-rattling boom I’ve been subjected to almost nightly for the past TWO WEEKS the only thing that gets your little dick hard? Do you get your grubby little paws all covered in diluted gun powder and rub one out? You’re pathetic.

Knock it the fuck off with the fucking fireworks.

Sincerely,
I, Anonymous

PS I hope a crazed dog mauls the shit out of you.