Jesus, where are you now that the internet is here? For thousands of years you taught us to be kind to one another and that you single handedly slaughtered all the god damn dinosaurs and that’s why global warming is a conspiracy about climate change and the 911 seventh building was an inside job...or some such nonsense. I was busy tugging my pecker in Sunday school so I didn’t learn much.

But now the internet is here we need you more than ever. Please come back and settle all the most divisive issues of our time, preferably in 140 characters or less, with your omnipotent wisdom and justice. Like whether trump is a secret Ukrainian triple mole deep state operative. Or if Kim K’s butt is really real. And please, all these internet trolls, let’s just pretend they’re the modern day version of dinosaurs and treat them accordingly.


PS. If you have any sexual harassment skeletons in your closet you may want to lay low. Right now isn’t a good time.