Dear New Seasons,
I appreciate the Passover food items end caps, but I have words for the nudnik who did your ordering. Creamy horseradish? Front and center and on sale? Like you’re doing us a special favor? Oy gevalt. No Jew would ever put creamy horseradish on a Seder table. Such an insult you have dealt us I can’t tell you. Ground horseradish please, with beet juice so the gefilte fish maybe looks a little more palatable. Speaking of which, yes, ground matzo meal we need. Parsley, we need, which, thanks G-d, you have, because gentiles also eat parsley. Sweetened gefilte fish, however, this we do not need. I look forward to my lump of cat food-like ground fish each year. But sugary fish lumps? *Sugary fish lumps?* Do not make us buy this because it’s all you have. And if ever I see matzo that is not kosher for Passover—a rain of plagues upon you. Boils especially. And locusts for all that tasteful native shrubbery.
These are ritual foods, they connect us to each other, to our culture, to our families, our parents, our grandparents, to 5778 years of Jewish history, and your clueless offerings just remind us of how alone we are out here. So next year, while you’re using Passover as an opportunity to show off how “culturally sensitive” your company is, maybe before placing the orders your Head Shlemiel could do us a favor and ask *any Jew anywhere* what we’d actually like to have.
Ps. I hope all that challah you put on sale this week went stale. Jerks.