When you trespass down my very long driveway at 4am and you are digging through my personal garbage bags you have made a big boo boo. When you are stealing my recyclables that have been deposited in a receptacle that is parked directly outside my bedroom window..... this is not an apartment building dumpster or a street-side property. You have entered my personal territory and are fucking with my sense of safety.
I really don't like to be woken up and I fucking hate people who violate my personal space, especially in the night. After my dogs scared you off I went outside to inspect the scene. I saw a large scratch on my truck and could see that you'd tried to break in. This put me in a real bad mood. I tried to go back to sleep but after a few minutes I was absolutely positive that you were a block or two away pulling the same zombie moves. Yes- I put on my running shoes and followed you. Yes, I called the police and told them exactly where you were. And yes, I am most proud to say that while you probably thought you were clever to leave your loud and giant bag of stolen goods and recyclables at the curb while you snuck into the next driveway, I will never regret grabbing that bag and running with all my might, just to show you that it fucking sucks to be stolen from. You had an adult tantrum, screaming, "That's dirty!" and other victim phrases while I sat on my kitchen floor shaking and smiling, somewhat proudly, questioning my own judgement. Sometimes you mess with a wily and dangerous woman! Next time I won't be so nice.