Here's a tip: Try to sound less like an '80s movie villain. "The world needs ditch diggers, too." Maybe just, I don't know, show some gratitude to the folks in the service industry doing a job you're too lazy to do yourself?

"If you want to complain about tips"... Maybe don't eat out.

I hope they spit in your food.

I believe the opening scene of "Reservoir Dogs" settled this issue once and for all, but apparently not everyone saw the movie. Look, you're either cheap or you're not. Ain't no in-between. And people who rationalize no tipping are the same kind of people who complain at a wake that the corpse doesn't look as beautiful as all the grieving family members say so. If you don't want to tip, please just stay home and heat up some soup and watch YouTube videos of skateboarders being hassled by angry old men, they're quite entertaining.