Dear Portland native who haunts these pages complaining about transplants. First of all, congratulations on your excellent decision to be expelled from a vagina here in this fairest of cities. And furthermore, kudos for never leaving. Top notch work! As a person who had to arrive here by means other than vaginal expulsion I am truly humbled by your accomplishments. However as a lowly transplant I bring news from the outside world. People move all the time, and other cities aren’t nearly as caught up in this nativist bullshit. Cities act as magnets for people seeking culture. Those great New York bands? Not from New York. Those actors in LA? Not born there. The Castro? Full of imported gays. Crazy, right? I understand that we all lionize the days of Portland past, when rent was cheap, there were only five restaurants, two clubs, no jobs, and barely a handful of McMenamins, but much of what has always made Portland great was created by transplants. Vera Katz, Narumol Poonsukwattana, Andy Ricker, Elliot Smith, Chuck Palahniuk, Ken Kesey, Gus Van Sant and a whole shit ton of really cool people that you’ve never heard of have been working hard for decades to keep it weird. So get over yourself. Maybe move to NYC for a while, where you can’t act cool because daddy cut 2x4s at Weyerhaeuser for 50 years. Also, learn to drive on snow, seriously, you own a Subaru.
Dear Portland Native
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