“You are an ancient soul, an ancient being who has existed for as long as humanity and before. You have lived a thousand lives and you shall live a thousand more.”

“At the moment, however, you are living the part of a 22-year-old college student having their swollen testicles ultrasound-ed in an emergency room at one in the morning after a mishap with a cock ring, which is perhaps one of the more ridiculous situations you have been in. Also, an odd place to have a deep existential realization, but perhaps it’s just that syringe of painkillers they stuck in your arm.”

(In case anyone is wondering, they’re still swollen but apparently fine. I have been told to use an ice pack and take large doses of naproxen regularly until the swelling and pain go away.)