Long time Portlanders LOVE to complain about new Portlanders. I try not to say anything as the city grows, transforms, and becomes, well, unrecognizable. My parent’s taught me to share. BUUUUT… what’s with you CLEAN PEOPLE? I used to be able to spot new transplants cuz they were just weirdly clean. Now, everywhere I go, I’m surrounded. You can’t all be tidy transplants. Has your overwhelming presence made old school Portlanders so self conscience, that they’ve up, and joined you? Do you wash your clothes after every wear? Waste of water and electricity! Do you shower twice a day? Waste of water and time! Do you not sweat? Lucky assholes. Are all your clothes bought new? Go to a goddamn thrift store, and don’t wash your purchases you coward! Does your dentist make your teeth so white? Wait, do you LITERALLY brush twice a day? Who has the time for that? New Portlanders: We don’t litter here but we don’t keep things clean, especially our bodies. Trust me, even with rising rents and all the old haunts closing, Old Portland would happily embrace you, but first you gotta skip that shower. Old Portlanders: Please, stay dirty, I love you.