Just kidding: I have no intention of taking off. I just haven't seen one of these belabored screeds in a while. What, no stories of the two years you spent huffing mold in a condemned house near Woodstock for $300 a month? No bittersweet tales of cheap bars full of three-year-old Rainier that were owned by 76-year-olds who wished the property value would increase by even 1% so they could retire? No lament for your long-gone klatch of friends whose spirit and creativity you remember longingly, but whose annoying, backbiting, persistent negativity you've conveniently forgotten? Tell us how this isn't the same city in your 30s that it was in your 20s? Tell us how it was better when Division was mostly muffler shops, Sandy was mostly car dealerships, and any house east of I-5 had bars on most of its windows. Tell us how gentrification changed things, despite your ability to live in the same neighborhood as your working-class neighbors were pushed out. Tell us how it's Californians' fault, and how you inviting your friends from Chicago, Minneapolis, Pittsburgh, Cleveland, and other Great Lakes wastes had nothing to do with people moving here. Tell us how Carrie Brownstein ruined Hawthorne for you, and tell us how you hate seeing new places open on Alberta and MLK... which you were afraid to visit for years for reasons you're a little too unclear about. End the whole thing with a sigh, tell Portland it's the city's fault and not yours, then inform us how much better it's going to be in the next "cheap" city that's already growing into a place you'll hate in five years.