Dear women of Portland,

For the longest time I used to assume that gender neutral bathrooms with piss all over the lid was the result of guys being careless assholes. Then, far too late in life, I learned from my lady friends about the whole hovering thing. Your dirty secret is out. Today I was walking into a gender neutral bathroom at a New Seasons in SE. I saw the toilet: lid up, seat down, pristine, beckoning for me. As I was halfway in the doorway, I realized I had accidentally cut in front of a woman who had been on her phone waiting to use the bathroom. I apologized and let her go first. After a couple minutes, she comes out with the most guilty face I’ve ever seen, a face so bizarre that I paused and wondered why she was looking at me like that. Then I step in the bathroom and realize why. That toilet seat which was pristine just a few minutes ago was now COVERED in urine. 100% saturated. Not only was the seat covered, but it had dribbled down onto the floor below.

Now I don’t want my male privilege to spoil women’s hover culture and I certainly apologize for mansplaining why this is disgusting, but on behalf of everyone else in Portland: please stop this madness. It is insane anyone would think it’s ok to leave a mess like this for the next person.