After many infuriating losses caused and endured by our Portland Trail Blazers, I have decide to voice my frustration. And, in the fashion of a true Portlander, I have decided to target the player that is a true representation of the NBA establishment: Carmelo Anthony.

First of all, my position as a bottom tier basketball player in my day and a bottom tier basketball viewer (I can’t name half the teams in the NBA) does in no way qualify me to criticize your playing. You are among the 3 NBA players from the 2001 draft still on a team, standing beside the likes of Lebron James. PSYCHE! As a Portland resident, it’s my job to criticize those established as good at whatever they do, be it a restaurant or a mayor (cough, cough). Therefore, let me say this: I might harbor some minuscule sliver of respect for you if you could haul your 35 year old ass down the court fast enough to catch a parked car. And buddy, there’s this principle in basketball called PASSING. It might help the team a tad if you weren’t a portable black hole trudging down the court. The ball goes in, and POOF! Turnover. I got to go to a game early once and watch the warm ups. There was mysteriously no sign of the legendary Carmelo Anthony! Maybe if you didn’t consider yourself too god-like for the weight room, 10% of your shots might go in! Anyway, I’m sure you’ll here my advice and improve your game, making up for your luck in effort with absurd amounts of energy and prowess on the court. PSYCHE! I can’t wait to see you improve your running game when your contract ends and angry fans chase you out of this blessed city.

Can’t wait!