No idea what you folk have been up to over yonder as I am still boycotting downtown after the closure of rays ragtime and the sketchy mart across the road, but while you've all been taking politics way too seriously and starting non ironic shoegaze bands I've been doing the important work, studying Beaverton.
1. I believe a sort of psychosis has gripped the upper middle class citizenry, their neighbourhoods are deserted ghostlands regardless of the weather or season. My theory is they're strapping themselves to "devices" in their nice looking houses, devices way beyond the means of a humble ratboy such as I. I suspect these machines palpate every inch of their bodies providing such max pleasure as to render the outdoors mundane in comparison. You can walk around though and pretend there's been an apocalypse, which is fun.
2. It's inevitable that we're getting an in n out burger soon though, it's already infiltrated *gag* salem, thats probably why they're putting parking lots everywhere.
Overall in the words of my british cousin "it's shit mate"