I spent a pretty long time thinking about some kind of way out of all the work and stress and feeling alone and stuff.
It seemed like I was just going to keep spending all my time and energy on a job that didn't even provide a living wage. I didn't end up with enough time, energy, or money at the end of the day to take care of basic responsibilities, let alone relationships. Most of the people close to me were mad at me for something. They felt neglected and unimportant or offended by something I did trying to earn enough money for food and sleep.
It got really hard for me to want to see people and try to be work friendly, knowing that it would be the most kind of friendly thing I would be doing.
Why would I be working like this to be so unhappy and how long was this supposed to last?
When it seemed like that was just all there was and was ever going to be, I wrote a shitty petition for civil commitment, and started leaving it places. I had this idea that an indefinite prison sentence might at least take away the headache of the work and the bills.
If I didn't have connection on the outside, life was just prison with rent and counseling fees.
I still think of it even though my life is much more stable. Nothing's permanent. I could lose all this just as easily as before.