I Stole Your Parent's Home



I actually turned this job down when offered. I don't remember if it was the same old-timey cowboy establishment or another one. I do know that they tried to give an off-brand Glengarry Glen Ross pitch for the job where a shmarmy fuck well dressed came in all of a sudden told all of us that he could accomplish anything that we wanted because he had the job. He pointed at me specifically and asked what I wanted out of life. I thought I'd trip him up when I said, "I want to know everything." But that slimy motherfucker was able to spin that somehow. I was living in a van at the time and really needed the work but once I found out that this human slime was in the business of taking people's homes, I got up and walked. The crooks were far more interested in recruiting me after that for some reason. I turned them down several times. It felt good that these evil bastards saw something in me that they couldn't have. I then got a job at a movie theater, squared in an unfinished basement, went to university in Europe, earned my PhD, moved back, published, and now am more than $100,000 in debt and work as a janitor at a private middle school. Which is to say that I can't blame you for taking the immoral job any more. Maybe if I had decided to betray my fellow people in precarious housing I would be sleeping next to my beautiful girlfriend without being afraid I'll run out of money. Instead I'm writing this real quick before I go off to a week's worth of scrub rich kid lunch off of their cafeteria floor.


Welcome to the world of Republican Deregulation where there are no laws and it's everyone for themselves.


Does no one edit this crap? I expect the Oregonian to not bother but surely THE MERCURY, that shining beacon on a journalistic hill, is good enough to edit these goddamned things before printing them?


@3 -- Edited, they might no longer exist.



I once sold classified ads via landline; I did okay; I went in one evening, angry at the world and doubled or tripled my sales; an asshole and few said no. I jumped ship not long after.

Your Soul'd take a pretty big hit to 'live' like that, I'd guess....