Hey all you party kids on the beaches for spring break, have we got some great news for you! Your beach party ain't never gonna stop, because the National Guard and local Law Enforcement™ have blocked all exits from beaches stretching from Florida to Texas! None of you will be allowed to leave until at least May 1! Get used to looking for a good spot to bury your turds and bathing in salt water! But we'll continue to pump in beer, Juul pods and trap music 24/7! This will be the most epic party ever!
But if you think we're going to let you dipshits come back to our cities, our homes, and infect all our grannies just because your underdeveloped young brains are being further pickled by alcohol and hormones...uh, nope.