Dear Leader Teddy says, "No fireworks in my town," and thousands of libertarians lose their shit: "Mommy state...totalitarianism...my rights...oogly boogly!" Me? I don't believe fireworks start fires anymore than guns kill people — doofusses and cops kill people, not guns. So let's ask Theodore J. Crumplebucket to ban the sale and use of guns in Portland, and limit cops to tasers when threatened with screwdrivers, awls, socket wrenches, or miter saws. While we're at it, we could ask Teddy-Blech to put on some bigboy pants, stand up to the pouty thugs at PPD, clean house, and lead for once. It's funny to me that we failed to elect a woman mayor because she was "uppity and radical," so we're left with a mayor who's as aggressively mediocre and insubstantial as an unsharpened Office Depot pencil.