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I, Anonymous Blog

The views expressed in these submissions are from anonymous, unverified sources and do not necessarily represent those of the Portland Mercury.

Don’t Drown Your Food

Why so much sauce on a perfect piece of fish? It’s good fish! You have no confidence. I won’t be back.


You're damn right I walked out

The egos in this city never cease to amaze.
You're a glorified cook. That's all.
I'm more willing than most to admit when I'm at fault, and would have been fine with simple constructive criticism.
But the moment you show me personal disrespect, I'm gone.
Portland is saturated with restaurants. I'll find work within a day.
But you'll still be struggling to replace me come next week.


It's the South

Mr. Lincoln, you're still my favorite president BUT you were dead wrong about The South. It is a stinking hole of mental, physical, and spiritual decay. Because of the Civil War, we missed the opportunity to seal the border — now the Confederacy has metastasized. The politicos have sucked up to these backward ignoramuses and the Southern strategy of both parties has enabled America's enemies to rule us. I AM FUCKING SICK OF THE SOUTH. Can I get a neutron bomb?


I think we can all agree a little unity is good...

For anyone on that horribly packed Tuesday afternoon 4:15pm Orange Line Max Train going to Milw., in the first car who had to listen to that absolutely wastoid guy that got on and just wouldn't shut his mouth about how we all gotta be cool to him for pushing through, talking shit to everyone, sexually harassing anyone, letting us all know his plan to go to fantasy to get some ass, asking people to bend over or give them their mouth to use, don't look at him, don't make a face or he's gonna be a bad man!, etc. You were there. Fuck that kind of human trash, the train was so full no one else should have gotten on in the first place, and as a group we should instantly expel these kind of asshole riders at the next available stop. Yes, I informed the driver. And it should have been more then just me. One guy saying there is an asshole is shruggable, ten people demanding a true piece of shit wastoid get off makes it happen. We shouldn't just take it, ride it out. A group NO! This behavior isn't ok, and Tri-Met needs to have a police officer ready to remove this trash at the next available stop.


I'm a Republican in the Oregon Senate...

...and I'm still chuckling to myself at what we were just able to pull off. All we had to do was play hooky for a few days, and we managed to absolutely own the Donkeys, again! For the ignorant, here's what we did:

1. Convinced our donors and voters that we are still totally anti-tax, because we dared to NOT COME TO WORK for a few days, but since we're elected, no consequences!
2. Finally allowed the modest tax package to go through, getting credit for PRETENDING TO support teachers and students.
3. Scuttled common-sense vaccination and gun laws that would have provided ACTUAL support for keeping students and teachers safe, reinforcing our support from science deniers and the NRA.

This is why I, and my colleagues at the national level, are totally winning. We're in the minority, but even when the Demo-craps have a majority they can't deliver. Just watch how we bring Gilead west, now that we've got our footholds in Georgia, Alabama, and the goddamn US SUPREME COURT!

And - BONUS! - we don't even have to pretend to care anymore.


How dare you be nice to me

To the I, Anonymous "I don't want to fucking smile for you"...You could not tolerate an old man asking "Why don't you smile?". With all due respect to your recently departed friend, chances are good that old man has endured the loss of many a friend in his old age. You bemoan his glance at your cleavage and whine about enduring jokes and smiling at patrons in a customer service position. One can only imagine the psychological scarring Arnold Schwarzenegger has endured over the decades from female senior citizens leering at his biceps. In light of your indulgement of self-pity, it isn't hard to surmise your cleavage might be one of your more endearing features.


Of Dice & Men

I love me a good game of Dungeons & Dragons. For the record, PBOT, you're the best Dungeon Master in town! You're carefully crafted "Death Streets of Portland" adventure is a masterpiece! With classic death traps like the poorly designed entrance/exit to the Fremont Bridge off North Vancouver to the gauntlets of half finished condo construction spilling into traffic your carefully adventure for high level commuters is truly a challenge! How will our heroes react when Foster becomes two lanes? Will they yell in frustration, throwing their dice across the room when they realized SE 50th & Lincoln has become impassable due to incoherent piles of shit in the middle of the road? Awesome! ...except Dungeons & Dragons is a fantasy game, and we live in reality. Please stop taking unnecessary concrete and metal shits in the road, allowing private developers to close whole lanes of traffic, (two on NE Sandy!), and purposefully narrowing our Streets. It is not "safer" it is more dangerous. Give us our fucking Streets back.


You Are A Dick

“I don’t believe in God”. Fuck you. You are old(ish)! Do you think you made it here without the grace(God) of your fellow men? Do you think you made it this far without love? Don’t be that asshole.


Deod-O-Rant!

Here comes summer and with that; a whole bunch of you stanky fuckers! Your putrid body odor is disgusting. No one want to smell your ass, garlic and booze. I was at least 10 feet away today and I about barfed (a more pleasant odor in this circumstance).
Can we can have a speed-stick fund drive sponsored by the merc, xray fm and some cbd company to help hipsters hygiene? I’d kick down a tenner to get this ball rolling. Pew!


Thanks to all for the reminder

Every now and then I read "I, Anonymous" when I want to remember what it was like to live in Portland. Thanks to all of you for reminding me why I moved far, far away. It isn't politics. It's the day-to-day bitchiness of the populace.


Recyclables

Aren’t you all the same? You end up in the same pile. Yes, you have your mundane, useful purpose holding that mayo for a while. You know you are just like any other mayo vessel. Why the pretentious?


I won't feel bad when you're dying.

Not that I had any purposeful intent in the cause of your death, but as someone who drives for work (not uber/lyft) on Fri-sun nights I just can't find any empathy towards you idiots. Be you homeless, out clubbing, teenager, show goer, or bar hopper, one thing you have in common is you're all drunk and you all think we as sober working drivers will not hit you when you run into the street on a green so you can catch your Uber. Or walk into a busy street crosswalk all in black w your face in your phone. Or test fate by thinking it won't happen to you. Eventually it will, and you'll be dying in the street and my dash cam will have caught it all alleviating me of legal guilt, and I just won't feel bad. You had it coming by thinking you're invincible and that we should be looking out for you when you break basic rules for your safety. Hope it's worth it, if you live ill be suing you for damages to my car.


The Bathroom

You use the toilet first upon arriving to work. Then on your first break. Then on your lunch. Then on your second break. Then before you go home. You use whole rolls of TP and PT all to yourself. Yea, yea, yea, we all gotta shit and piss, wash our hands, but do you ever consider to think how excessive you are about your bathroom usage? Imagine all the hours you spend in a bathroom? I'm disgusted thinking about you.


Aisle Bumpers

You know how many times I've bumped or rammed into people's shoulders on the bus? Zero. Sometimes I have two bags in hand too. If I do ram people now, it's on purpose.

Once in the self checkout station at grocery store, I was checking myself out. I had my violin in case on floor, out of way. Sure, those spaces are a tight fit. Yet, so, some lady with her walker decided to walk through, opposite direction too from flow of traffic and rammed my case. She said excuse me, and I said good grief lady. If you aren't gonna fit, fucking turn around. I know you're privileged and lazy, and I dont like you.

Also on the bus, what's with people sitting next to you and needing to squish in, sometimes on purpose, or too gently rub arms and shoulders the whole ride? You know this makes me uncomfortable? Are you that much neglecting touch and human contact?

What's with people with their damn shoes tied to their backpack, flailing around? People have no sense of personal space.


Bike Privilege

I want to know why it is that in the progressive city of Portland, the best biking, walking, and public transit infrastructure are most available to the lucky ones who get to live "close in." It doesn't seem very egalitarian.