Portland Patio Pages

I, Anonymous Blog

The views expressed in these submissions are from anonymous, unverified sources and do not necessarily represent those of the Portland Mercury.

How are more of you not wearing sunglasses?

Seriously, its bright AF outside!


You're Dead, For Sure

Yeah so i was working on this washing machine for this generic human, possibly a little old lady, and I looked back in there into the access and wiped away the spiderwebs and bugs and a lego and a Thomas the Tank Engine wheel, and Lo what do I see but a mouse! scurrying this way and that and up and down. I grabbed the big light and looked in there and goddamnit it was a fucking spider, almost as big as a mouse. it gets worse. I went and got my shop-vac and sucked the fuck out of under that washing machine for at least 6.5 minutes. Clean as a whistle. I took the vacuum outside, just in case, ,,it crawled out the hose, right? So i was walking back in the house when I thought, you know, I should just check to make sure that beast is in my shop-vac. It was not. It's still in the house.


Brown lawn

So many dumb fucks in this town watering their brown lawns. The shit ain’t gonna turn green until next year you dumbasses and it won’t be because of you watering your brown lawn every morning in July. You are tripping.
Save the water and some money and stop it.

Also. Fuck you.


Autistic people are some of your servers.

I know its not the first thing in your mind. But yall take alot of offense to basic autistic interaction. It kinda sucks when we are trying to make sure your food is dope and the way you like it. We will ask some extra questions. It masks our nervousness. We are just asking you to understand that we are out here. We just have different socialization tactics.


I'll See You in Court

I have a problem. My neighbor painted their side of the fence and speckles of paint were sprayed onto our entire side of the house exterior siding, walls, windows, frames, and trims. They were made aware of the damages, but have been ignoring my attempts for resolution. We are now at a point where I've exhausted my efforts and am going through small claims court. I am wondering what I can do in the meantime. I feel like my neighbor is taking advantage of the situation and I feel bullied. They need to be responsible for their actions.


Crushing it.

You, statuesque and fluidly, sensuously lovely, elegant, chic, and ever-smiling. She, naughtily gorgeous and classically figured, giving too of smiles and joy. The two of you together a force of light, strength, sexy confidence, and impact. You two come in often and leave me fully adolescent in a blushing crush. Um, just wow.


Mind your own business

I can wear a mask. I'm fully vaccinated. It's my personal choice.
This afternoon I got dirty looks from a tween and her mom at a clothing store. They were at the cash register getting their items. They weren't wearing masks. I was standing in line behind a tween and her mom. The tween saw me wearing my mask, whispered in her mom's ear, and pointed at me. The mom turned and stared at me. So I stared back. Then I looked around the store. A cashier called me over. The cashier asked how are you today or something along those lines and I spoke loud enough so the rude people would hear. I told the cashier I'm doing well, except for rude people giving me dirty looks for wearing a mask. I said this loud enough so that the rude mom and daughter would hear me. They walked by me to leave the store. I'm pretty sure they could hear me.
(This is in Gresham, so attitudes might be somewhat different here than in some areas of Portland, I'm not sure.)
Strangers don't know my health risk or that I live with my older parents. I don't want to get the Delta variant or any other variant. I don't want to lose my senses of taste and smell. I know someone who is fully vaccinated and who got Covid and has lost her sense of taste and smell, who knows for how long.
I'm going to keep wearing masks so I don't have a cold or flu or any Covid variant. That's my choice. I don't think this pandemic is done with us yet.
Anyway. Mind your own business, people.


Can we talk about communism

I honestly hate the typical US reaction to the Cuban protests cause it always seems to be underlain by a basic anti-communism rather than opposition to a specific regime which actually has some serious merits to it in terms of medicine and whatever else Cuba has been globally unrivaled in, anyways, I think the Cuban government is corrupt just like any other government and I'm on the protest's side, but I will always be a communist, because I believe in human cooperation and making sure no one suffers deprivation. America does not seem to highly regard the communist ideal. And make no mistake about it that communism/socialism is a very beautiful ideal, if not politically practical in a lot of historical examples. I am sick of hearing about anti-communism. Fucking learn something about what it's about. It's not a type of government. It's a philosophy. Aside from right-wing talking heads and other pro-capitalist people, anyone who is affluent enough to be thriving and not having to survive is an individual reflection of this selfish ethos. I've lived my life with plenty of misery even though someone in my family could have given me some money to help out with my sufferings. And though my spiritual journey is my own, I am slightly disappointed with people and their individualism preventing them from helping us less fortunate people.
In short, Biden and whoever the Cuban president is is an asshole.


Hi, Neighbor!

Your grandchildren will all know how to say "fuck" if you don't shut the fuck up so early in the morning. Zoom at 9 means I don't have to get up till 8:30, asshole.


Missed Connection <\3

Dewr Lombard Speedwacer going sUpOr FaSt Vr00m at 2AM, I think u r so cool! I’ve always wanted 2 know what it’s like 2 b so fun and sexi and random 😜 that I feel the whole neighborhood needs 2 know!!! I know u r just being hot n reckless but it’s actually my secret fantasy to be woken up every night during my only respite from capitalist hell to hear your loud mating call- VROOM!!!


Enjoy Being Young

Your car has no muffler and you gun it up to 80 in the area of E99 that has few stoplights and is hard for cops to patrol. You wouldn't dare do it in Milwaukie because the cops would stop you. You squeal by our residential area at 12:30 every night and wake me up—you probably wake up many people in this neighborhood, but I'm speaking for myself. I don't get back to sleep for hours. Then I have to spend the day worn out and weary, caring for my 90-year old husband. It's not fun for me. I understand it is fun for you to speed when you're young. I guess the roar of an un-mufflered engine might even serve as a mating call for some people. I wish I wasn't bothered by your activities, but I am. I would never call the Portland cops on you—they're sulking, anyway—but I'm asking you to consider not waking me up every night. TIA


Dear Jerry Mander

For those trotting out the creaking old plea to shift Idaho's border west to absorb Oregon's red country, thus rescuing the state's conservatives from Valley liberalism, I have an easier solution: Move to Idaho! Of course, we'd have to swap hipster Boise for God-fearin' Vancouver. Oh, and if one more visiting Texan gushes rhapsodic about Austin's progressive "bubble," I'm going to lose my shit. You live in fucking Texas! Nuremberg in the 30s, too, was a vibrant cultural mecca — but not so much for the Jews.


Serenity Now

This has gone too far.

You are abusing the purpose of our group. I saw what you did when someone spoke out about you. That was out of line and the only thing you accomplished is robbing yourself of others who are looking out for you and trying to support you through this process.

You have a responsibility to yourself to push through this. You have a responsibility to your family to make sure you are able to continue providing for them. You have a responsibility to the community to hold yourself to a higher standard. You have a responsibility to us brothers to not to drag us into your bullshit and ask us to back up your terrible calls.

If you won’t be talk about it with us face to face, let’s talk about it here.

We won’t break our oaths or our promises to you, but that doesn’t mean you can hide what you are doing and how you are breaking yours forever.

Don’t put us in a position where we have to choose between protecting you and protecting our community.

You can find a way through this, we are here to support you where we can.

Keep coming back. It works if you work it.


Are you righteous?

Always stop and examine what you're doing. Always stop and examine the goals that you have, and compare them to the goals of the people you choose to follow. Are you, as a follower, emulating the person you're following; or are you doing as they say, not as they do?

People are easily manipulated. The easiest way to manipulate an individual is to make them think they are on the Righteous Path. Because, once on the Righteous Path, the individual believes they can do no wrong.

Right now in the US, and especially in the NW, and even more so especially in Portland, many people are following do as a I say, not as I do folks, and they believe they are on the Righteous Path. They are not. They are being used for someone else's political means.

What's more, those political means are counterintuitive towards the actual goal the individual on the Righteous Path believes they are fighting for. Causing a traffic jam to protest car pollution is an example. How many more examples can you name and find in your daily life?

Some people thought I was picking on Social Justice Warriors in my last post.

I wasn't. I was pointing them out as being easy to manipulate because they believe themselves to be on the Righteous Path.


Mashed potatoes can be your friends

We've been doing our best to let go of our anger. We also would appreciate your help with that.

These constant cycles of pointing fingers and shifting blame back and forth isn't healthy for anyone. If you've been paying attention, you may recognize that you only end up strengthening the narrative against yourself each time you go on the offense.

This doesn't need to be hard as you are choosing it to be. This entire enterprise is about providing people like yourself the opportunity to accept who they are and empower you to change yourself so we can change the world together.

Violence and intimidation are never a legitimate path to power. WISE THE FUCK UP.

Yes, we have you cornered. Yes, we see that someone or something has hurt you. You do not have to choose fear and lash out at those coming towards you. We can see that you require aid and assistance. We are here to help. If you can find the strength to balance yourself, calm your mind, and permit us to aid in your healing, this will be a very beneficial path for everyone.

You can refuse our help and continue cowering in the corner, and we will not force any treatment on you.

We have been where you are. We have felt your pain. When we see you experiencing the same pain, our pain returns to us. Please help us to soothe your pain. Please help us to soothe our pain.

We need your help.

We are going forward. We hope someday you will join us. But, until that time, we are asking you to please work to become more conscious of your actions and why you behave the way you do. We recognize how hard that is.

Take a look and you'll see...