Portland Patio Pages

I, Anonymous Blog

The views expressed in these submissions are from anonymous, unverified sources and do not necessarily represent those of the Portland Mercury.

Again

Oh look!
Portland is back in the High Risk Category!
Yea!! ?

And just when we thought it was safe to gather in groups and reopen our schools and go to restaurants and, you know, Have Fun!!
Because having fun and making money and stuff is far more important than not getting sick and dying.

So Kate, if you're listening...

(to anyone other than that bunch of soccer moms out in Happy Valley who need those fucking little brats out of the goddamn house, so they can do whatever they do with the fucking little brats out of the house)

...if you really expect to ascend into Wyden's chair, y'all better step it up.
And by that I mean be a leader! Re-Open everything! Let's party. Well, I mean 'Let Them Party.'

Because you and I know, the more of "them" that get sick and die, the fewer there will be to decide you are completely out of your element. And frankly girl, this kneejerk "Deer In The Headlights" thing you got going on ain't doin it.

So Kate, fun is more important. Brats outta the house is more important.
And Oregon has too many fucking Californians anyway.


What I've learned over the past year

Orifices. Oh, the unrelenting orifices. To think, I used to just brush my teeth, wipe my ass, and go about my day as though this was somehow enough. Well. Given just a little extra time to reflect, the truth of the matter has come into stark focus. There is a pebble of undigested quinoa clinging to the outer rim of my anus, trapped in a tangle of butt pubes. Every step I take screams it’s presence up through my spinal column and no, this is not alright. It’s also not alright to brush just the outside of the teeth as though the spaces in between do not harbor tiny mulch piles of decaying food. As though that decay does not then crawl upwards through the nasal cavity and into the brain where it feasts on the neural connections that make up the very core of my whole being. Don’t ask me how I know this, I just do. Also: mouthwash!! It exists for a reason. Care for your orifices people. It will bring you peace. Shalom.


Are you here to be mean?

I hope so. You are really good at it.


Rinse. Lather. Marketing Ploy.

Does anyone out there actually shampoo twice every morning?

Anyone hate it when writers use the phrase "Rinse. Repeat" ?

Anyone got anything less important to care about? Too much death today and too much covid in our city. I want to spend the night drinking scotch and reading your childish complaints.


Well, I just did that Arts Tax thing

It's irritating, especially since I was a professional classical musician for over a decade - to pay for a tax that funds nothing I care about because all the theaters are closed.

Taxpayers should be able to direct their funding to what they'd like to see - direct my $35 to where I think it will be well-spent. Some "art" really is obscene and lousy, and I hate being forced to pay for it so it goes out to some crony board who plays favorites. A better way to do it would be to fund arts through the lottery.

The simple fact is Portland's arts scene is rather provincial and third-rate. I can't stand the people.


No Nose

I get it now. I used to think the exposed nose for face coverings was for breathability. It likely still probably mostly is.
But now I know it's because you don't want to smell yourself. All your stench from your upper lip staining into your mask from all the craps you eat but also some of you just naturally have terrible gross breath.
I get it.
Thanks for at least covering your mouth stench from the rest of us.


What Women Want

According to the ads, it's smooth balls and a luxurious beard and Axe body spray. Did I get your order correct?


wow hi

i have gotten very addicted to weed and alcohol to the point where i dont know how much longer i can take it. my boyfriend hates all of it


Arrest PPB Violators

It’s disgusting how many passes Portland has given its corrupt cops.

Over the years they have:

Rewarded Nazis with leadership positions
Directly collaborated with suspected domestic terrorists under federal investigation
Repeatedly conspired to use excessive use of force against Portland citizens
Repeatedly submitted false information in their reports to conceal their crimes and the crimes of others
Enabled Union interference in Police investigations
Willfully embellished details of a potential crime in an attempt to frame an Elected City Official

Just to name a few already in the public sphere, and now they get to negotiate with the Justice Dept. how many illegal actions they get to continue to take?

Did the Portlanders they attacked get a nice letter and a chance to negotiate?

Did the Portlanders they murdered get a chance before a Federal Judge to argue their case against the PPB?

It’s obvious they can’t read, so how can we expect them to enforce the law.

Just start arresting them already, you got the goods, what are you waiting for?

Police will whine about how unfairly they are being treated, and complain about how they signed up for a dangerous job so everyone should look the other way when they are incompetent of performing their duties, but they already whine and complain. And they aren’t even creative about it anymore.

That’s what the PPB is known for corruption, incompetence, fascist violence, whining, and complaining.

They certainly aren’t known for following the law.


Hey Moron

Fuck.
A thousand dollar bike. $500 for spandex. Another couple bills for your Italian helmet. Not one fucking nickel for a light on either end of your penis extention...
And no fucking mask at all.
You stupid piece of shit.
That pollution you are spewing out of your lungs has the potential to kill people. What, you think it instantly ceases to be harmful because you and your manhood are outside?
Think again asshole.
Whatever you sucked in, you are blowing out and if you hadn't fucking noticed, your neighbors are dying, despite what our dysfunctionally anemic governor has said this week.
Keep your fucking shit to yourself.
Asshole.


Gossip Dyes

I lied. I’ve actually had a great relationship with my family. They aren’t as religious as I led you to believe they were. But it was interesting to see your moves thinking I didn’t have their support.

I’ve talked to my parents multiple times a week ever since moving here.

My little brother was a fascist-sympathizer for a bit, but thanks to all your help he’s working for us now. And man has he been helpful.

My older brother isn’t allowed in Russia for some reason, it might be because he’s really good at math, but who can say.

My cousins used to do recon work in Iraq, now I can’t say what they do.

It was my grandfather’s idea for me to move to Portland. He was the real genius.

He was OG antifa.


No such thing as half-woke

Thank you so much for your spoken support of the oppressed.

We appreciate your donations. We thank you for wearing BLM merch and proudly displaying that lawn sign.

Of course your performance is neutralize by the fact that you work for NIKE and continue supporting their use of slave labor. Do you think Uyghur lives matter?

Do be so tough on yourself. You’ve been collecting sneakers for years how could you have know NIKE had been employing sweatshops since the 70s as an established business practice. And they couldn’t have done it with out your consistent support over the years.

But your performative allyship is super important.

Please keep parroting the things that make you feel better while taking no time to actually reflect on what personal changes you can make to heal and repair on corrupt and broken system of things.

Should you quit your NIKE job?

Yeah, probably. The way I work through these difficult situations is I ask myself one question, “What would bourgeois do?” And then I do the opposite.


Edicate For Adults

There's still a pandemic going on. Do you really need to bring your entire family With you to the grocery store? I have faith that it's a task you could successfully complete alone. Respect frontline workers and shop alone. Even after all of this is over stop encroaching. Just ask and give them a moment to move for you. Basics grownups should know.


pass the TEA

Hear hear to everyone even trying to meet anyone right now. I don't think enough goes to say about how crazy everything has gotten in the world, let alone trying to just meeeeeeet or date, don't pretend you haven't been looking. Even with all of the things going on, that vetting and betting, the new this and that, and the old stuff that makes you go, "really still, you like this?". Can I just declare my true kink to my (now forever deleted) dating apps: I NEED TO BE TREATED LIKE A HUMAN BEING WORTHY OF RESPECT, AS A LITERAL BASIC NEED, LIKE WATER OR HOUSING. Not an object, not a prop, not your parent, not your MOP! RAISE THE BAR, or break our backs trying to lift it alone. Say it out loud y'all. RAISE THE BAR. I am holding out for the original algorithm of #irl


Stark Raving

Hi Portland,

I really miss basement shows, and backspace cafe, and hanging out inside groundkontrol for hours on end. I miss satyricon and our art walks and New Years at the laurelthirst.

I miss going on late night adventures with random meet-cute friends around the city.

Remember that night we photographed every house in Ladd’s addition for that dude.

I’m really pissed off to learn that people claiming to always be antifa were collaborating with our overtly fascist mayor’s criminal police force. Think about that.

I’m glad we don’t have to rely only on our memories anymore.

I’m really excited for late spring and summer once everyone is vaccinated and we can start being kind and friendly to our neighbors again.

I miss our late night meetings. Let’s start those back up again soon.

Spring is here. You know where to find me.