I, Anonymous Blog

The views expressed in these submissions are from anonymous, unverified sources and do not necessarily represent those of the Portland Mercury.

Late Assignment

The police officer scolded me a bit and made some threats. Said something about the one from up north said I was arrogant and cocky.
No. I was terrified. Just like you wanted me to be. I'm not out here committing crimes assholes. I'm working and trying to stay out of the way long enough to find a reasonable place to live. I keep finding myself in these situations that are so far out of my control. In the end, my most punishable crime will be not having enough money. Could be worse.
I played a card game and won a little stuffed duck. It's cute.


Leash Your Dog, Motherfucker

There you are, skipping the off-leash park and strolling through the neighborhood green with your beloved pooch. Sometimes by your side, sometimes roaming free, but never on a leash. Of course, no problem, because he’s super friendly, couldn’t hurt a fly. You selfish, clueless ass. You have no idea why you’re fucking with my day. Let me give you two reasons.

One, his precious, boundless frolicking terrifies my son. I don’t care how friendly you think he is, his unpredictability can make a fearful kid do unpredictable things. Are you happy putting children in a state of panic and potential danger?

And, two, if terrifying or endangering children is ok with you, my dog is not super friendly. That’s why he’s on a leash and not at the off-leash park. Because last time he was there, he of the proud shoulders and powerful jaws, nearly ripped a little pug to shreds.

Next time your untethered dog comes near mine, I’m dropping the leash and letting nature take its course. And next time he comes anywhere near my child, your dog isn’t the only thing going down.


Bad luck

Like a fatal freaky friday scenario. Lives gets switched with incredibly bad timing. Cosby or Louis C.K. just before everyone found out. O.J. while he was still playing sports ball. What would Ellen DeGeneres have to do to make that list?
You wake up one day and you're like, "it worked! I'm R. Kelly!" "-wait.. i did what?"
Better or worse than waking up as a character in a final destination movie? Is that the switch?
I just keep thinking, like.. what's the worst case scenario that ends up win-lose, lose-lose, or low win-big loss


The main difference between nicotine & opioids

Legality. If you can't quit smoking, don't tell me how the junkies are ruining your neighborhood. They might be, but you're just a fuckin' addict yourself so get off your high horse.


Kick me off nextdoor?

Ohhhh, you got me kicked off nextdoor because you didn't like my "tone". You just didn't agree with me. You think that was the last you will see of me? Guess again; I'm back, and I'm going to move even further into showing the "hood" the racist, rich fucker you truly are.
I've read your smug comments about how you're glad I'm gone and you've taken measures to keep me gone but you don't know who you've fucked with. Redplums and "brown" people collecting cans at midnight are the least of your troubles now.
This is going to be a great holiday season.....


Actual Plea

Ok. Here is a real thing. If you are driving and stop for a pedestrian or to a less extent a bicyclist (like if it's crazy hilly) and they wave you to go, go. Sometimes we need a break, especially if we are carrying lots of groceries, or children, or are old. You continuing to wave us I front of your car is annoying, then it feels like we have to rush across the street. This doubly sucks when you are crazy pregnant and sweaty. Just go if I motion as such.


The Baby Boom is the Problem

When you read poll results on any particular issue, ask yourself what the results might be if they were sifted by age group.

When you read about our crumbling infrastructure, don't forget who created Deferred Maintenance as a concept, and applied it nationwide for short-term gain while reserving the right to shriek "How could this have happened??" as bridges collapse and gas lines rupture.

When you read about the economy, don't forget about the original economy-ruiners, the architects of the S&L scandal, Enron, the Dot-Com Insanity of the 1990s,and credit-default swaps, and on and on and on, and recognize who those people were.

When you read about endless wars and ineffective, self-congratulatory anti-terrorism policies based on nothing but fear and racism, you know who was and is responsible, and it isn't Millennials.

They're the only generation that demands praise for the accomplishments of their parents, and they're garbage. It's time for them to be isolated, ignored, censured and defeated at every turn. They had their chance and 40 years of total, absolute control over the trajectory of our society, and like the man said in Easy Rider, they blew it.

They blew it.

Stop listening to them. Stop voting for them. Stop taking their ossified bullshit seriously. Their time is done, and if they had any decency they'd shamefacedly admit the horror they're responsible for and withdraw from the public square, but they don't. So it's up to us to keep them from doing any more harm before the last piece of shit dies.


You Blew It

Exactly no housing issues will be solved in this town until the network of people connected to the city council, county commission, City Club, Metro and members of other affiliated donor-class social networks have all enriched themselves via the current status quo. Only after the Right Sorts Of People have extracted all value from the city's relatively newfound fame among the NYT Op-Ed reading crowd will "progressive" change be allowed to begin.

Housing/homelessness has been an issue here for a decade at least, plenty of time for the masturbatory kaffeeklatch we call the City Council to create progressive policies — or any sort of policies — that acknowledge such a basic nuts-and-bolts part of city governance. But they didn't. They didn't, because the Right Sort of People were making a great deal of money from the situation, money which they dutifully passed along to their elected officials, who then got to keep their silly little jobs.

Therefore there is nothing that needs to change. The Right Sort of People are being enriched, and they keep their pet elected officials elected. No politician at any level considers anything but what will or will not keep them elected, and they make that analysis before taking any action — signing a bill, ordering a sandwich, wiping their ass, it's all about whatever keeps them in their seat. As they continue being elected by the credulous dolts of Multnomah County, they won't change a thing. They will make appropriate sounds with their mouth-holes and appropriate concerned-faces with their skull-meat, but no policy changes will be forthcoming, or if forced to produce something, the changes will be minimal or subject to redaction a few weeks later.

Congratulations Portland. Please keep doing the same thing over and over.


I Should Have Just Stood There

One night me and a friend was hungry so we decided to go shop, as we walking outside we walked on the path of crosswalk following the rules. We was both wearing bright colors at night like how could you not see us. So as we walking I saw a car driving towards us like he was going to ran us over. I saw it was a transit cop, I should of just stood there he didn't even stop at the stop sign, I almost had a heart attack, but kept my cool, I later thought to myself that this place with these kind if people they are just pure evil with no feelings about others.


Redneck Racist

Dear Redneck Racist,

I was lucky enough to encounter you in the Fred Meyer parking lot on NE Wiedler. I was returning my cart, when you came speeding down almost running me over. You then had the audacity to flip me off, and then make the oh so racist slanted eye gesture at me. When I drove up to confront you, all you could do was look straight ahead and twiddle with your phone. Not only did you almost run me over, but you fucking made a racist and so very childish gesture. Maybe next time drive safely, don’t speed, and make sure to not make racist gestures in your fucking Toyota SUV.

Fuck you lady. You piece of racist trash.


Turn right on red.

When you're able, please.


P^5

It was me.
If you're wondering how all that glitter got in your pockets, I did it.
Yeah. That's right. The same guy who put pinecones in your refrigerator.
We were supposed to meet to discuss strategies for training, recruitment, and regional take over, but you were asleep. So I did what anyone would do.
I gathered up a bunch of pinecones, but only the nice ones. Then I went in your house. The dog was in the front room, so i went back out and threw a frisbee from the front yard to the back. The dog ran through the open patio door and I closed it behind her. I found a nice plate, put the pinecones in the fridge, and left.
Yeah. The old Pile 'o Pinecones on a Pretty Plate Prank.
You down with P-P-P!? -P? -P!?
....
You don't know me.
Whatever. Whatever. You don't know me.
..
Whichita


The left lane is for passing only.

Please.


Dear Roomie...

You compliment me for all the things I do for you and I do appreciate that you in fact notice. While I suspect you do know I have a crush on you, it goes much further than that. I have some submissive tendencies and I actually enjoy washing your dishes, cleaning the apartment and giving you rides. Even giving you a lift to your boyfriends really tweaks my cuckold tendencies. Even more when he spends the night here. We could really be so much more than just roommates, but I think it would freak you out if I were 100% honest with you. Even your innocence in kink/fetish stuff is so attractive. I love doing things for you, but it is NOT just because I am a "nice guy."


Sorry to Everyone Else

But not you bruh. FUUUUUUCK YOU!!

But yeah, sorry to all the folks at Joe's Cellar last night who heard me shame a hipster construction dumbfuck who, while I was talking to my friends about how awkward it is sometimes in Portland bars because when strangers interject themselves into my conversations it is often to disagree with my or my friend or the premise we're discussing, interjected himself into our conversation solely to disagree with me.

He preceded to tell me I'm wrong (while proving I am not). That I'm a dumb new transplant (I've lived here a decade). That I am "23" and too young to know anything (I'm almost 40 and read a LOT of history books about Portland). That I don't even know who Bud Clark is (I do, and I know who Josiah, J.A., Terry and Vera are too). And, and that I "need" to chill (no, I don't 'need' to be 'chill' when someone rudely insults me for lulz).

So, I repeat: Fuck off bruh, no one fucking cares what you have to say.


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