I, Anonymous Blog

The views expressed in these submissions are from anonymous, unverified sources and do not necessarily represent those of the Portland Mercury.

The Restaurant is NOT Your Babysitter

You,late for your reservation without calling, increasing your party size at the last minute. You order 5 bottles of wine while your 3 children destroy the restaurant. They are wandering around other dining rooms, hanging on banisters, disturbing other guest's dinners. One of your children fills up the toilet with paper towels an clogs it, so badly that we can't plunge it and now have to pay a plumber to come fix. Then, minutes later, your children are spotted in the other restroom with handfuls of paper towels, plotting to clog yet another toilet. When confronted, kindly and politely, and made aware of what your heathens have done, you say that the toilet was already clogged when you arrived. You ask, "Where are my daughters? Are they in the men's restroom?", and proceed to knock on the restroom door. Your daughters are not in the restroom, and you ask me where they are. Lady, these are your kids.

Please, if you can't manage your children in public, stop reproducing. Or stay home....all the time.


Hey Cult 45!

How is your tax return this year? Did you like having to pay this year? Your party don’t give a fuck about you.


PBS Pledge Week

I understand that PBS needs to get donations to keep operations going. Who in the fuck are the morons that decided to show a bunch of crap shows instead of their regular programs during pledge week. I'll bet they lose half their audience during these breaks. Since I don't watch the crap, I don't donate.


Fuck Your Ujjayi Breath

To the “yogi” at every yoga studio ever, shut the fuck up with your Ujjayi breath. Nobody wants to hear your labored Darth Vader breathing while trying to Zen out. Contrary to what you might have been told/taught/observed, you do not need to project your strained throat sounds across time and space (no really, Google it.) I’m trying to get my meditation on, but my eyes are too busy rolling into the back of my head. Do us all a favor and worry less about perfecting your Downward Dog and instead focus your attention on shutting the hell up!


I'm A Teacher Not A God Damned Martyr

Stop. Just fucking stop assuming I became an elementary school teacher because I'm some kind of martyr, or have no life outside work. Teaching is a job, like being a doctor or cashier.

You have NO IDEA how underfunded schools are. Teachers are constantly doing shit for free and pretending there are limitless hours in a day. We are told to teach a certain number of minutes of each subject a day. Fine, except the math doesn't work! There aren't that many minutes available so shit doesn't happen. WTF!? We're told to plan for, and grade the work of twice the reasonable number of students, respond to respectful parent emails and demanding asshole parent emails in excruciating and polite detail, attend Special Ed meetings, parent meetings, other meetings in which we plan future meetings to discuss how to do the impossible, confer with coworkers etc. in less time than it takes to pee, and read those fucking emails. DO NOT ask for special treatment that takes more time. I'm doing way more than I'm paid for and give extra time and money because I care about kids and their future. Bitch to your dumb ass elected representatives that keep OKing stupid amounts of money for the military and fucking crumbs for our kids. Oh yeah, those standardized tests... Opt the fuck out!!!


Ok, Shout Out

There is someone in Portland that inspires me at least 4 times a week. His Name is Walking Talking and Rocking Man Man. So in my outsperation, I’d like to give some love to everyone Walking Talking and Rocking.


The Actors

They get a bad rap. Make too much money. Don't work hard. Self-absorbed. On and on. Some true, most of it not, all depending on the actor, I guess.
My thing is it's more real than this "real" world we live in. I love movies. Spend all my free time watching them. Lately, when I see an actor argue so passionately about whatever subject, or watch them cry in pain or loss, it strikes a deep emotion in me, and I start crying too. These emotions that you just don't witness on a day to day basis. Otherwise I walk this land and am virtually without feeling.
I know it's all "acting," but it feels so much more genuine then every single daily encounter I've had in the past few years. I walk around, or I'm at work, on the bus, at the store, and it's people, "la de da," happy go lucky, or like zombies, expressionless and emotionless.
There's something actors do that "regular" people don't do. FEEL. Feel deeply, intensely and passionately. Then to find that place, go inside that place, and express and portray it to an audience is something magical, for me.
Would you ever debate/argue with a superior over something you felt was wrong, or at least didn't believe in? Would you ever break down in front of strangers over terrible loss and bad news?
When actors are connected, they live in that story. It's like the person they're portraying isn't them, but it's kinda a part of who they really are, which in turn the "real" them, kinda seems fake and too composed. It just seems a more truthful expression of a relationship and life than the "real" world.


Nothing Smart About Smart Meters

Hey Pacific Power,

You are turning me into a foil wearing conspiracy theorist which I don't want to be. That bank of Smart Meters you installed right outside of my bedroom wall is causing me headaches, heart palpitations and lack of sleep. If I'm going to wake up with red rings around my eyes and a blasting ear ringing headache everyday I would at least liked to have the pleasure of having gotten sh**ty drunk the night before. Being slowly poisoned with high intensity radio frequency is only cool if I have my own YouTube channel to vent to. Which I don't! Thanks for the cancer.


Dear F**k Your Gluten “Allergy”

have you spent six weeks in bed sick? shit blood like twenty times a day? lost so much blood through your ass you are now extremely anemic, lost time with family/work because you were too sick to leave the house? laid in bed, in so much pain you could only stare at the ceiling for 5 hours and breath, been so sick it takes months (+ doctors, cash, colonoscopy's, medications, toilet paper, iron infusions, radically changing your diet to survive and avoid biologic meds., etc.) to recover? after recovering enough to return to the real world have you twinged at every random pain in your tummy with the overwhelming thought this infliction is coming back and my world is fucked again? been so hungry while out in the world you just wanted to stop somewhere and eat or take your lady (or anybody) on a rare (now) occasion you go out? no, you haven't, so just tone down your whining a bit you fucking restaurant owner. the fact is more people are legitimately coming down with with diseases like this. i bet your overly priced slop is delicious, but you should also look to the future. there is like one or two places people like us with diseases like these can go, i don't know the second one but the other one blows. so think about that instead of insulting sick people you fuck.


My Dear, Sophisticated Friend,

So you have known me for a long time and you're concerned about me but aren't saying anything directly to me, Instead, you're tripping over the shrapnel in your own watery lives and are eager to try and dissect my life for me. I thank the internet for telling me I need to find better people to fill my life with.
And to you, friend, I value loyalty, something I haven't recieved from you possibly ever, glad I can see my own follies and so thanks for that.
(And the thing is, I do see how ridiculous it is for me to feel sad about spending these years believing we had something genuine but we all make mistakes, don't we, as my mistake was placing my faith or any emotional value in anything beyond face value was a toss in your direction to begin with. I was being charitable with the understanding that you would come around but it's the same old song, I am shiney and you are attracted to that which brings you entertainment, but you'll never connect to the music the way it's meant to be heard.)
Thanks for that lesson.
And your flattery is amusing but needs more polishing, who's got the time when you're plotting against those you admire the most?


Goddamned Ass Blasters

Frigging Portland gets so far up its own rectum with all its transit options and cycling and over/undergentrification and baseball hate that everything in front of it looks shitty! I mean, you self-absorbed Bulgogi eaters don't even see the time it takes me just to get from the McMansion in Washougal to my job in this hellhole. Sure, I'm one of the few people in town who still wears a suit jacket or tie that wasn't made by some artisanal tailor. Sure, I eat over at the Potbelly while all the nerdnicks crowd around the food truck. Sure, I spend something like $80 a week in gas alone, but do you know how long it takes to not only commute, but to pop off to Costco every week? A long time!!! Listen you city full of dick grendades: We regular people have had it with all the real cities laughing at us and our lack of grown men in jerseys with a 20-year-old's name on the back. We're tired of being told to just "allow more time" for our commute. We're just tired, OK. So maybe, for once in your life, stop being the puke danishes in plaid that you always are and just give us a goddamned lane on I-5. You weren't using that school anyway.


Dipshits

You anti-car people never cease to amaze with your narrow minded pie in the sky bullshit.

Do you know some of us don’t live anywhere near a public transit station? Can’t ride bikes because of distance, weather etc.?

For the (most) rest of us who don’t live in the city center the roads and highways are a lifeline. They are also how your food, medicine and other things get to stores. Things you need and things you use. You can’t deliver seafood on a MAX train! So before sounding off the alarm about freeway expansion not being a good idea because you envision some utopia where nobody has a personal vehicle, why don’t you stay in your fucking lane and let those of us who actually use the roads make the grown up decisions.

Stay outta my business.


Jesus Fucking Christ

I-5 already has 3 lanes north and south of the bottleneck and none of you assholes give a fuck. But when the state wants to go from 2 to 3 lanes in the bottleneck, all of a sudden the bitching starts. This is not adding a 4th lane to I-5, it’s adding some relief to a highway that was designed back when no one lived here. Have fun with more cars on side streets, assholes.


How The Greenhouse Effect Killed Us

In the coming year(s) we will see the end of our Civilization in its current incarnation. What the scientists refuse to explain, and truthfully it should be the geologist doing the explaining, is how many hundreds of quadrillions of gigatons of new water weight, once land-locked and in solid form(ice) and now melting, evaporating and returning to the oceans from whence it came, will affect the fluid-dynamics of our ocean basins, and where and when it will find release (Oh yeah, Yellowstone). As we are all aware, the oceans themselves, as well as all land masses, sit on a liquid magma, and that liquid is sealed in a crust. The added pressure of this untold weight is seeking a path of least resistance to relieve the pressure, when that occurs the vast volume of magma ejected from Yellowstone, will leave that very real volume open for the collapse of the ocean basins causing another series of Super-Tsunamis, and as multiple "Great Flood" legends, and a subsequent ice age by creating massive inland seas and reflecting the sun's energy back out into space. Oh, and wiping us off the face of the earth for the umpteenth time. It's the pressure of the magma on the crust that is heating us up now, Not the Greenhouse effect, that was just the catalyst. the stoves on high, and boys and girls, we're in the frying pan. After all we're just a byproduct of the water entity that is growing all living things as a water crop, to eventually cover the planet and cool it into an Iceball so it can sit and wait to be obliterated by another one of the planets in the solar system, or planetoid, so it's seeds can be hurled out into the universe to spread life about.


Baseball Losers

Your kid fucking sucks, 360 degrees. If the city of Portland spends one more dollar chasing the big leagues, you will find your ass in court. Thank god for the new city council. The old ones sucked, just like baseball, and your kid at baseball.


Most Popular in I, Anonymous Blog