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I, Anonymous Blog

The views expressed in these submissions are from anonymous, unverified sources and do not necessarily represent those of the Portland Mercury.

The Mopper

I mop as part of my job. I care about my job. I care for the quality of work I do. I care for craft. Most of you have no clue what this means as my profession is looked upon by the minds that you possess as "anyone can do it." Believe me that is false and most of you suck bull shit at doing it. There are those that say they dont care if you walk on a freshly mopped floor. Yea, some guys truly dont care because they have no aptitude for craft. Some of us will say, it's okay, just don't fall. Well, that's bullshit for some of us too. We care when you're barbarian size 13 muddy shoes walk on a freshly mopped floor. We care. We took pride in our work. And your disrespectful, selfish ass has no second thoughts for walking on it. There could be a bathroom upstairs if the floor in question is a bathroom. But your fat and lazy ass cant walk up 2 flights of stairs or take the elevator. So I hope you fall and break your hip like my grandma did. Poor grandma, RIP. But you, ill waterboard your face with my mop water.

Calling all PDX Traffic Gods

Ok so I know this is not what IA is for, but since everyone on this blog is a super dimensional driving expert, I hereby humbly seek your divine council:

I have to crash for the written test at DMV on Friday, and beyond common sense I haven't the foggiest idea what has changed in the last ten years. So who's got advice on acing the test? Between new laws on mobile device usage, bike traffic, public transportation and funky downtown stuff I'm feeling nervous and I HAVE TO PASS.

So anyone who took the test this year? Are there tricky questions or things uniquely Oregon to look out for? Any and all contributions are most welcome.

No more wankin

It all started 2 years ago when I wanted to change and reach the top of the world. I decided to do a no beatoff challenge. I quit gaming and social media, and basically do everything a young adult normally wouldn't do so I could develop self-discipline. It took me 5 months to reach the streak I currently have on NoFap (hard mode).

Over the past months of me doing no beating, I introduced new habits along my journey. I went to the gym, took cold showers, started swimming, studied harder, creating a company (still work in progress), learned about the 4th dimension, started playing an instrument, studied the universal laws etc.

Sure, I have a girlfriend now. Sure, I have perfect grades now. Sure, I have a good looking body. But the thing i'm the most happiest about is the fact that I changed my life. I always thought I was weak and untalented, but I managed to prove myself wrong. Everyone can change, as long as you put in the work.

Damn Cell Companies

Double check those cellphone bills ($hi+, * any other bill really) cause they're probably over charging you little by little every month!!!

Dear Dog Parents

Wow. I love dogs. I Love Dogs! They’re adorable and sweet and I will pet every dog I see. However, I am not a dog owner. I have a bunny. He’s a nocturnal creature and I’m a bartender, so we take our walks at 3 am every night at my local park. Lately, we’ve also been terrorized by off leash dogs. We are NOT at a dog park! I understand your pup needs to roam free, but so does my baby bun. Dog parents- there are so many dog friendly places and parks. Please remember to be kind with your little killers on public spaces. Cause I’ll sue your ass if not.

Dog-Walking Slabtown Schmuck

Guess what, you precious Yuppie transplant? The pedestrian right of way doesn't consist of stepping out right in front of street traffic, without a crosswalk or a signal, and in the dark! Maybe you'll be man enough to pull that asinine Darwin-defying arrogance in front of an Escalade next time, instead of a Diamond Back? It would truly make a world a better place! Though I suppose your dog might miss you. Speaking of whom, perhaps you ought to leave it at home when you're stupidly picking fights with strangers.

The air quality in PDX is horrible. Yet you....

The air quality in Portland is just bloody awful. And you describe yourself as an eco-friendly lover of the planet, a person who not only recycles, but reduces and re-uses. Good on you! And then you go and ruin it all by sitting around a fire pit, burning wood for hour upon hour, day after day because doesn't it feel nice and somehow primal to sit around a fire? And that barbecue in your backyard where you cook the cheap meat that smells like raccoon road-kill... that's doing a world of good for the planet also. And watering your grass... that's brilliant when most of the state is in a drought. You are a brilliant shining star against a sad backdrop of burning rain forests, murderous, painful slaughterhouses, and mass extinction. The cherry on top is when you yell at your dog for being a dog - this shows a true "at-oneness" with nature that most people could only envy.

Your Pain is My Pleasure

Nothing makes my day better then witnissing you free spirited teenagers to mid 20s couples in short shorts, cut off tees, and flip flops doubled up on a single e-scooter speeding down the road. Soon you begin to wobble and the piece de resistance approaches. Both your faces realize what's coming, and I can't help but smile. When all that exposed summer flesh meets hard asphalt and the fun abruptly ends. I laugh long into the evening. Thank you for your careless nature, it is so entertaining. Keep it up.

Cuddle up?

The fuck is with you ladies who keep using the phrase “cuddle up” in your profiles? “I like to cuddle up on the couch”. Barf! I also like to watch tv and physically touch you ladies but could you ALL stop using the same goddamn term? It makes you all seem alike, like there was a leak at the 35+ lady factory and you all fell off the conveyor belt at the same time “cuddle up” was programmed into your vocabulary. Right after “I’m a foodie”....

You are not exempt from the Rules of the Road

Dear RIDESHARE (you know who you are) and various other drivers; Stay the fuck out of the two right lanes on SW 5th and 6th Aves. Those are not yours to travel. The citizens of Portland did not pay for you to use these two lanes to travel unfettered through Downtown Portland. You are not welcome to take a right turn from a bus stop. If you haven't learned that three lefts make a right, it's time to hand in your license to drive. The far left lane is yours to do what you will. RIDESHARE drivers - pick up and drop off your drunken patrons all you want from the left lane. There are signs all over the fucking place. Pay fucking attention!

My Ex, the Vet

Being broken up with by someone who you fully and completely love is like going to the vet with your dog who is healthy and happy, but maybe has a sprained ankle. The vet who has known your dog since she was just a puppy, decides without your permission to euthanize her, and there is nothing you can do to stop it. You ask your vet why would they do something so stupid? The vet explains he didn’t think that it was worth it to try to help your dog. The ankle injury was probably permanent and would cause a lifetime of pain. Your opinion was never consulted, and you know that the vet made the worst decision he possibly could have.
Now, because the vet has caused you infinite amounts of pain, and completely lost your trust, you pick up your lifeless dog and wrap her in as many towels as you can find and vow to never come back. You can’t help but feel if you had just explained more maybe he would have made a different decision. But it all doesn’t matter now. You have a dead dog in your arms, and you have to figure out how to lay her to rest and somehow move on.
You look at your little ball of fluff that brought you so much happiness and wonder why it all turned out this way. You think to yourself, if I had only brought her in for her checkups more regularly, or saw the limp for what is was, then I could still have her here. You want to hold on to your your sweet girl, but you can feel her growing colder. Her expressive face now droops. You can’t stand to see her like this. It’s time to bury your dog.

To the person in the black SUV

This is a message to the person blocking the right lane of the on ramp to the I405 bridge in the black SUV on Friday afternoon. When I honk my horn at you for a constant 5 minutes because you're blocking the right lane, I do it out of love. And when I extend my middle finger to you and the passengers in your SUV near the Kerby exit, I do it because I'm pointing at the big blue Oregon sky. I hope you have a wonderful day and as always please drive safely.

Airplane Food

I sat next to you on a recent flight to San Diego from PDX. You seemed like a normal dude, laptop out, headphones on. But moments after sitting down I came to know your disgusting habit. For the entire flight you picked your nose and licked your finger. What. The. Fuck. You tried (?) to be clandestine by making it look like you were chewing your nails (another disgusting habit). But it was clear: thumb in right nostril, same thumb straight into your mouth, repeat. What’s more, you didn’t stop, ever. When the flight ended 2 and a half hours later your nostril was red from all the action and I presume your stomach full.

It's not just a bathroom

A trans woman beaten for using a bathroom on the Oregon coast. A mother in a restaurant telling a trans woman that she can't use the ladies room, for ratings on TV. Transitioning requires courage to endure medications, risk our jobs, lose friends or family, face public sentiment ranging from curiosity to scorn.
We don't "feel" safe, because we're not. We are homeless at a higher rate because we are jobless at a higher rate. Losing our job is common for us, being hired in a new job is not. Our existence is... what? A threat? An excuse to hate us, because we're different? A hated threat to be attacked?
Most people I encounter are kind. I'm treated as the woman I am. It would be nice if we we're treated just like any other stranger when you see us - by ignoring us like any other stranger. It really is that simple.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to use the ladies room.

In the future, we will all have had...

In the future, we will all have had hurricanes named after us and we will all feel bad about our names and ourselves.