Loose Change

This is a note I left in my desk drawer at work tonight, in response to someone (probably a janitor) who stole some change from the top drawer of my office's desk last night.

To the perpetrator: Thank you for stealing almost $3 in loose change from my desk drawer last night. I hope it helped you! If you're that desperate for money, why didn't you just help yourself to the last 45¢, you pathetic scum! It wasn't like I was not going to notice the disappearance of the rest of the money, especially a gold Sacajawea dollar! Thanks so much for violating my space. That's what's really low, not the loss of spare change.

p.s.: Building security has been notified, as has everyone on the 39th floor. Watch your back. Starting Monday, this drawer will be consistently locked to keep out motherfucking thieves like you. In the meantime, help yourself to the remaining 45¢ with my compliments! And thanks for the valuable lesson. You must be pro