Things you should know about the wreath you jacked: 1) It was a gift from my boyfriend. 2) He bought it from a kid who was fundraising for her middle school choir. 3) When my boyfriend gave it to me, he wore a Santa hat and pulled me into his arms. "Merry Christmas, babe," he said. 4) "It's beautiful," I told him, "but some stupid, selfish fucking imbecile will snag it right off our door." 5) "Don't be so cynical, honey," said my boyfriend as he kissed my neck. "It's Christmas, who would steal a wreath?" 6) We hung the wreath on the door. It lasted five days. 7) "The wreath is gone," I told my boyfriend. "Told ya so." 8) "No way," he said. 9) "Way," I said. "People are pigs. They shop at Wal-Mart, vote for George W. Bush, start wars they can't finish, and steal wreaths right off your fucking door at Christmas." 10) Besides stealing shit that isn't yours, you've now started a fight between my boyfriend and I. He says your pathetic moral character is an anomaly, that most people are good and kind and giving. I say most people are like you: bastards. --Anonymous