To the hipster shitbag cocksucker with the Hitler moustache walking down 11th the other day: I watched you jiggling down the street with a moron's grin on your face. I couldn't make it out at first, but as you got closer, I realized that what might be a Führer 'stache was IN FACT a Führer 'stache.

I was so amazed I didn't know what to do. Should I stop you? Should I tell you to go fuck yourself?

You see, I have Jewish friends. I love these guys. I've been there when their kids were fucking circumcised. Get the idea? And we're not talking those namby-pamby pussy-ass Reform Jews. We're talking hardcore, Chareidi, Ultra-Orthodox Jews. Guys in black hats and ZZ Top beards. Eleven kids. Every third one a rabbi from a good yeshiva.

What I did do was memorize your face. The next time I see you with that affront to humanity attached to your pudgy upper lip, you're going down on your ass, and that moustache is coming off one way or another. Either you get rid of it the painless way, or you get rid of it my way. You're not going to like my way.—Anonymous