I, Anonymous Jun 9, 2011 at 4:00 am

Nerd Fears Are Real


Reading this gave my the urge to shove someone in a locker or trashcan, or to give someone a wedgie or a swirly.... Look NERD, go read a book and do some math, in about 10 years you should be rich enough to afford a model. Until then, keep your sensitive ass at the library where you belong.
I thought this was going to be about a nerd with an irrational fear of knives, because that would have been this guy <-----
I feel for nerds. I really do. But I have definitely met/dated some dudes who consider themselves nerds who are actually just socially stunted/unpleasant jerks/losers. This anon sounds like the latter.
I don't think this has to do with so-called NERDS, so much as the larger issue of GUYS always having to be the ones to stick their necks out.
I think the writer should just put on there big boy panties and deal with it.

Shit happens, deal with it. Completely ignore her and either she will come around or you wan't have to think about her. A win-win solution.
Through email? What a dweeb. Emo dork; "it's nerve wracking". Loser!
look at it this way you really never had any social relationship with her and now with a simple email you have saved yourself dinner and awkward small talk to find out it wasn't worth it.
@Joneser: CoTW.
She masturbated thinking of you. In her fantasy you did all kinds of nasty things to her in her parents' house. Pretty Pretty Pony will never be the same. Now, instead of feeling shame she hates you for being a brute.

Next time, forget the email. Instead, put your open mouth on hers and stick your hand firmly between her legs. If you get a happy ending, great! If not, there is always the girl next to her.
This is one of those things that folks of both genders do when they suspect that you might be one of those people who won't understand what 'no' means. Sometimes people go a bit too far with the Not Trying To Lead You On thing, and sure it can sting, but as far as injustices go, this one's wayyy down the list.
Dear Nerds. Never ask any woman through e-mail. It makes you look, well, nerdy. Not to mention, stalkerish. Wash your hair, brush your teeth, tuck in your shirt. Walk up to her, stand up straight, and say, "I was wondering if you would like to go to dinner or a movie sometime?" If she says "no", say, "thanks for listening, goodbye." It's that simple. Too many guys go "Oh, she might reject me." Dude, 90 percent of women will reject you. You only need one to say "yes." Why do nerds, or for that matter, jocks, heads, gamers, etc. make such a big deal out of rejection? None of us is made to mate with 2.5 billion people. We're made to mate with one. It takes time to find her. Relax after she rejects, then be a man and go have a beer and get in a fight with a jock, who's probably crying, too, because he can't believe the same chick rejected him as well. Then you two will bond and can start a gang and bully other guys with no self esteem. He'll be the brawn, you'll be the brains. How do you think the Mob got started? Nerds and jocks in Sicily got rejected by a hot woman, and then decided to rebuild their self esteem by building a massive criminal enterprise.
Sorry, Anonymous. At least you asked, even via a lame and feeble e-mail. Ice Cream Man is right, getting dates is like playing poker. You can lose a lot of hands but still go home a big winner.
Doesn't anybody realize that nerds are pretty much invariably hotter than lava in the sack? I'm serious ... try one on, and you'll see what I mean. Those weird-ass pants with the baggy butts hide some serious nerd junk. You know the old saying: Once you go nerd, you're leavin' the herd.
You need to quit being a big whiner and get a new attitude. No one wants to fuck a martyr who plays the victim role. Regardless of what you look like, it's about the attitude. As the previous posting stated, nerds are hot right now. You're "in" and trendy at the present moment, so slap on some horn-rimmed glasses held together by some masking tape, and WORK THAT SHIT. You now how many guys & gals alike have a nerd fetish? Nerds are typically smart, may lack hot bodies, but also tend to pack major junk (again, see the above post). If this isn't you, then ACT like it's you. And quit crying.
Nerds are NOT hot right now, it's simply the same attractive normal people co-opting tiny traces of the media perception of a "nerd" from the 80s.
why do you assume that she is "glaring" at you intentionally? maybe *inside* she is just as shy and awkward as you, and now that she's turned you down for a date, she isn't sure how to act. or maybe she is one of those many women who have turned down a date, only to get obscenities SCREAMED at her, and she is flinching in advance.

the way to show her that you're really a nice guy is to... continue to be a nice guy. smile, wave briefly, be casual. just maybe some other (available and interested) woman will catch on.
Crown Graphic...precisely. Look if you are indeed socially shy etc (been there, who has'nt) and maybe are'nt Johnny depp or what have you so be it. Don't whine about it. More than a few people have thought I'm a thug or freaking serial killler (incl an ex gf when when she first met me...obviously I proved that is indeed not the case) I make sure do smile,not look (too ) scary and not impose. You will be alright...JUST DON'T EVER ASK ANYONE OUT BY EMAIL AGAIN! dude
I think we really need to evolve some roles about both asking people out AND, if the answer has to be "no", conveying that "no" humanely. There are few if any situations in which a person should actually be made to feel like the scum of the earth just for asking another person out. Why is it so hard to just say(assuming, for the sake of argument that this is the first time the approach has been made) "hey, thanks for asking, that was sweet of you, but I'd really just rather not"? Unless the person who's asking has, say, asked the other person out thirty times in the previous month or is holding a gun at the other person's head, why is anger or contempt ever justified? If nothing else, shouldn't it be considered a compliment to be approached at all?

There are a lot of times when rejections are done with pre-emptive brutality. Why does that have to be the case if the person asking is asking for the first time and clearly didn't mean to cause any offense?

It's not like anyone is harmed by another person simply asking for a date.
And, Anonymous, I'd just write this person off. She's obviously a spiteful and arrogant woman and she feels, even if she had no reason to feel this way, that you should have known perfectly well that you had no business approaching her. A person who treats people as she treated you(when you did nothing wrong) is not going to be someone who's going to have a good chance of growing a soul.

She's probably pissed off because you didn't give her the chance to humiliate you in person. Trust me, you're better off without someone who insists on having the right to inflict emotional pain. If you had kids with her, she might beat them.
AlaskanNow is an emo nerd. And is clearly way over thinking this. I would much more concerned about him flipping out than some girl who spurned Anons advances and is'nt being friendly about it. Soooo you conclude this girl is spiteful, arrogant and a possible child beater? nice deduction Sherlock. By the same method I deduce that you are a delusional jackass. lets hope not
OK...why would it be an issue with this girl that the guy asked her out by email (or with anyone else that anyone else did that?)

While use email myself to ask for a date(and I'm not an emo nerd, thanks, just a human being, not that there's any reason to regard "emo nerds" as a lower order of life as you seem to) it ought to be just acceptable as asking in person. Why would someone insist on being asked out in person for any reason other than the fact that they'd want the chance to shoot the person asking down in flames straight to their face? There couldn't really be a positive reason to insist on it. Really, this method is the safest for both parties. What's to be offended by?

It takes a lot of guts for anyone to approach anyone for a date. What's the harm in having a way to do that that at least guarantees that the person asking won't be emotionally shredded to bits, and possibly in front of others? It seems to me that that's all this guy is asking for.

And I was telling the dude to move on. After he accepted the "no" with good grace, she had no justification in showing him any hostility at all. Clearly, this woman has proven that she's got at least a significant capacity for snobbery, arrogance and vindictiveness by freezing the guy out like that. She knows this particular guy is harmless. Why can't SHE let it go that he asked?

I'm just saying that once the no is accepted, both people should move on and the rejectee shouldn't be treated like either a psycho or a social leper.
The first line in the second graf of post #21 SHOULD read "while I WOULDN'T use email to ask for a date..."
Oh for pete's sake, if you can't ask someone out face-to-face you probably shouldn't ask anyone out! I'm all for using the Web and e-mail to meet people, but the ultimate goal is to MEET them. So if said girl is in your view, and you want to ask her out, just do it! If you don't have the guts to do it, A: you're not for her B: you're not for anyone C: you need to realize that you can't get anywhere in life if you keep running from it. So what if she treats you weird afterward? If you've done nothing wrong, that's her problem, not yours. Move on, ask someone else out, have a drink, play a game, climb a mountain, hunt a deer, I don't care, but rejection is part of life and to think you won't get rejected is silly. MOST people reject each other or give each other little time — that's why we all, even popular people, wind up with a few intimate friends and ONE, count 'em ONE partner (unless you're a committed fornicator or polygamist, that's a different trip). Just keep asking the chicks out and work on your game. If you're a decent guy, one will say yes, but giving up after five, even 10 is a wimpy effort. Until at least 200 women have turned you down, you cannot start blaming the world for your problems (even then, that's 200 potential STDs you may have avoided, there's always a bright side) God, do I have to spank all the nerds into manhood on this thing or what? Believe me, hunky jocks and rich boys get rejected, too, they just move on from it instead of staring at their navels.
If people should ask other people out face-to-face(and I do that myself when I do ask)then it's legitimate to expect that those being asked should be kind about it when saying no, at least initially. It's enough to just say "thanks for asking, but I'm not up for it". If the rejectee won't give up, THEN harsher words could be justified, but not "just to be on the safe side". Nobody is actually protected by trashing anybody else just to make sure, or whatever.

It's almost never necessary to be pre-emptively harsh. By the same token, when rejected, the rejectee should just accept that that's it and not ever ask that person again or bother them about it.

And if we want a world where people will treat each other with respect, that means respect must be shown both ways in this aspect of life as well.

One thing that disturbs me in the whole dating thing is that some(not all, not even a majority but some)of those who are asked believe that those doing the asking should simply have to subject themselves to repeated slammings and curb-kickings just to prove...I don't know...something or other. Why?
It's not as if everyone who gets rejected should have known without asking that they didn't have a chance. Obviously, if someone DID know that, they'd automatically not ask. Nobody asks someone out when they KNOW they answer's going to be know in the first place.

All I'm saying is that their needs to be far more kindness in all of this. Would anybody really disagree?

BTW, where did you come up with the "at least 200 women" figure? That's a hell of a lot of dissing for anyone to have to put themselves through in the name of finding someone else.

One thing that bothers me a lot about this thread, btw, is something I've seen in other comments threads at The Mercury...contempt and dismissiveness towards any man who expresses pain or hurt about something that happened to him romantically. If we're going to honor the ideals of feminism, we need to have it be, here as much as anywhere else, that it's just as acceptable for men to write about the pain women have inflicted on them emotionally as it is for women to write about men doing them emotional harm(note:I'm talking about emotional harm, not physical abuse, so please, for the love of God don't anybody think I'm trying to get batterers off the hook. I hate those bastards as much as anybody else).

There needs to be equal emotional space for both genders.
Completely agree with IceCreamMan. And as someone who has been on the receiving end of this... it's not always super straightforward to know how to respond. I had a guy from a class hit on me via email and I didn't even know his name because I've never had a conversation with him.... What is the ideal response indicating non-interest in this situation? I thought about a short and sweet response (thanks but no thanks) but then thought about the fact that with some guys being nice can be confused with being interested -especially over email. So that left me with either no response or blunt response... and I went with no response because I don't know this person well enough to gauge how my words will affect them. If this person had actually had a REAL conversation or two with me... he probably would have eventually learned that I have a boyfriend... and saved himself the embarrassment.

Ever try inviting a girl out to a party or social event? It's sort of an indirect approach, but it eases a lot of pressure on both sides. Tell her she can invite friends. If she doesn't come and/or doesn't indicate any interest in hanging out in social situations outside of class, she probably isn't interested in dating you - your cue to move on. If she does show interest in hanging out in a social setting outside of class.. then you have another opportunity to get to know her better, and decide from there if you want to ask her out... in person.
I have no problem accepting male emotional pain, my point is there seems to be some sort of myth floating around that rejection entitles you to a life of wallowing and self-pity. MOST people will reject you -- that's my point. If your daddy or big brother didn't tell you, I am. I've dated plenty of women, but had far more tell me they weren't interested than did. So what. Did it hurt? Yeah, in like high school, but I got over it when I stopped being so absorbed in myself and started asking the real question: "Why would anyone want to date me?" Then I got a nice haircut, started exercising and basically learned how to ask a woman about herself rather than doing a hard sell about me. It was amazing -- when I started caring about others, they cared about me! Most nerds are actually a lot like the "cool people" they think marginalize them -- they don't bother to learn how to hold a conversation that involves something other than what they are interested in. That's why you'll often find former nerds, jocks and heads in rehab together years later. In addition to their receding hairlines, they share a common inability to get outside themselves and into another person's heart and head. One final point -- if she rejects you, it's probably for the best. I thank the gods and goddesses every day that certain women have rejected me after I've seen how their marriages turned out or their kids. Oh, and the 200 figure I came up with using my old black book and a new calculator.
I'm all for people doing personal growth and getting outside themselves. The tone this guy was subjected to in this thread, which was basically "you had it coming, LOSER!" wasn't exactly going to encourage that.

It's as if people are just going to a default judgment that Anon was an obvious creep and should have known beforehand that he didn't have a chance with this woman. We can't actually know that. A positive tone would have done a lot more to help Anon and others like him(on a bad day, everybody including Brad Pitt could be like him, maybe) since I think his post can actually be taken as a call for help.

Okay, one last shot. What is a "positive tone"? I've done nothing but give this poor guy advice on how to get over being rejected. Yes, I may have told him to man up a bit, but I can't see how coddling his feelings is going to help. I've heard nerd/jock/head laments for years and it all comes down to the same thing "Why can't the world accommodate ME?" Well, because IT CAN'T! A million backrubs, pep talks, support groups will never soothe the ego until it realizes it's deluded. You get the energy back in life you put out. You can't become secure by pandering to your insecurity. You can't become confident till you imagine yourself taking a chance then actually taking that chance. I applaud this self-described nerd for taking a chance. Had I been his friend, I could've told him "NO, NO, NO, not fucking e-mail, ask her out to her face!" If he had smart friends, which he either doesn't or didn't talk to, they would have told him that. And I certainly wouldn't have wasted time pandering to his feelings. Asking someone out is an adult task. You have to learn to shake off your fears and just fuckin' do it. Stop buying into all that Hollywood shit about nerds being some persecuted minority. Nerds invented the atom bomb, for fuck's sake! No go out there and detonate your love bomb, man!
Reread your last post...almost everything you said was some kind of a diss of Anon and anyone like him. You basically acted like he and anyone with anything in common with him was a failure who should know his place...you even called him "deluded". You've shown Anon nothing but contempt. It's as if you're afraid that offering him any real sympathy or encouragement will lead to the guy showing up at your place demanding to couch-surf there for the next six months or something. You're basically doing "tough-love" to somebody you've never met, and it's hard to see why you think that's a good idea.

As to whether the world should accomodate people like Anon...well yes, it should...the world could and SHOULD be a kind, open-hearted, tolerant and generous place to those who wrestle with feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem...We all need to find more and more ways we can be there for each other as human beings and can do what we can to make sure that nobody feels isolated and valueless...but that's not all...

In a larger sense we should work to make a world that accomodates everyone...that doesn't leave anybody out in the cold...this wouldn't require total redistribution of wealth, but it would mean redistribution of empathy...

But I suspect that your worldview is objectivist and "libertarian" and would reject that idea, or the idea of anything motivated by values other than short-term individual self-interest.
(news flash: every bit of education Ayn Rand ever got in her life, and, thus, every CHANCE she ever got in her life, was thanks to...wait for it...The Bolshevik Revolution! The old "private property" Tsarist Empire refused to provide spaces in the secondary schools and universities for those Jewish people who were unfortunate to have to live under it, and this state of affairs would've continued under any "free-market" government that ever came to power in Russia). After the Reds gave her her only chance to learn anything, she spent her life pissing not only on them(and yes, the Stalinists deserved it) but on any notion that anyone should be considerate or compassionate to anyone. I hear echoes of her worldview in all of her posts.

Some of us don't think that life should be based on "all power to the aggressive".
AlaskanNow, he CHOSE to post this, which meant he was 1. seeking pity 2. seeking advice 3. indulging in a bit of get-backism to the lady. Part of life is learning when you're dead wrong about something. If you take that as disrespect, you'll never learn anything. Sometimes the truth hurts. If everyone operated the way you suggest, few people would ever risk anything or get over their fears. And after claiming I'm somehow hurting this poor chap's feelings, when I'm just talking to him man to man, you lump me in with that dreadful shithead Ayn Rand. Now my feelings are hurt. I go cry now.
And one other thing, my Alaskan friend, if you think I was telling him to "know his place" you have 100 percent misunderstood everything I've written. My point is precisely the opposite -- your place is how you define it. Nerds buy into the stereotype that the mass media perpetuates of weakness and insecurity whereas my point is they're actually quite strong, it's just they're generally raised by equally insecure parents who tell them stupid shit about not standing up for themselves, so they get bullied, then they don't want to ask women out, even though a lot of women like intelligent men. Most of them just need to dress a little better and practice more social interaction, and they'd have plenty of dates. And for the record, I'm pretty sure I've been bloodied in more fistfights with jocks who picked on nerds than you have. That's once reason I'm passionate about getting them to stop seeing themselves as weak. I don't have the time to fight for all of them.

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