Dear Drunken, Obnoxious, Unattractive, Middleaged, Married, Pathetic, Flirty Dude—

In case you didn't notice... My sneer was for your unending, uncomfortable stares. You threw things at me down the bar, waved and gave me the international sign for "you want a drink?". I shook my head violently NO and rolled my eyes, but you continued to stare at me and vie for my attention from 10 feet away— even turning sideways to the bar to do so. Obviously- you thought there might still be a chance that I'd be interested in your suburban doughboy steaze, so you threw more things towards me while I was trying to enjoy my meal; and then you actually hit me.

Are you fucking kidding me? Did you want my attention?

Without a second thought I reached into my water glass and with great skill, force and an effortless backhand flick of the wrist- I pegged you in the cheek with a big chunk of ice, you jerkoff. THWAP! The look on your face and the way you jumped outta your chair was really, really priceless. I think I may have actually laughed out loud. I found it QUITE satisfying. I hope you have a mark as a token of my appreciation. Just so you know: You didn't have a chance with my ol' state champ fastpitch softball arm, bitch!

Mind your fucking manners.