I'm guessing your use of "crippled" was metaphorical, but please know that alcoholism is every bit the handicap (and every bit as treatable) as a broken leg. Your health and life are grave danger if you do not seek treatment immediately. If you are employed, start by calling your health insurance provider and see what your mental health and/or EAP benefits are. You need to get help NOW! And it should be available to you, no matter your situation. You are not alone.

Emo poetry is back in again.

Not a single typo? Fake.

Enjoying the hangovers? Damn, and I thought I drink too much.

Get some professional help my friend. You probably don't wanna go this one alone.

Fuck it. Cheers.

Give your liver a rest and your lungs a workout. Try to get hooked on weed.

Isn't this part of the checklist for signing up to comment here?

I kind of think this is fake, but if not, your not that unique.
First hand experience here, I had to quit because I felt like you. Whatever it takes to stop, please do.

I said to myself,"I don't know how I can live a day without drinking". Don't compare yourself to people that are functioning alcoholics. From what you say, you are about to hit your bottom.

I hope you can get some good weed. I would go to AA meetings, and there was always someone there to help with detoxing off booze. I hope you can do it : you will feel like shit for a while. Yes, your a mess, but it is not the end of your life.

Naltrexone is a drug that was originally designed to help treat opiate addiction. What they found is that it works even better for treating alcohol addiction.

And the most attractive thing about it is that it is most effective if you continue to drink. It works, basically, by blocking the alcohol from triggering the release of endorphins when you drink. Hence, you receive no reward. Over time, between 3-15 months, the brain ceases to crave the drug at all.Of course, it works best if you are working towards sobriety & have involved yourself in programs ~ smart choice, a D & A counselor, etc.

It's starting to get some attention here in the states, now. ( There was an article in the Wall Street Journal that mentioned it a few months back. And it was mentioned by someone that the Mercury interviewed in an article on R2D2.) However, it's had an incredible success rate in Finland ~ 80% of alcoholics, at varying levels, were either abstinent or drinking moderately after 1 year.

For me, i have been an alcoholic, non-functioning, for 15 yrs. The bad, black-out, genetic, should never drink alcohol, type. It has completely changed, & saved, my life. Just 3 months ago, i was resigned to the darkness & ready to end my life. Today, i seriously have hope that i can beat this, that i can have a real fucking life! And i've been through treatment 5 times, detox more than i can count. Nothing worked. And when i looked at the fact that every single member of my family, even my grandparents, were alcoholics ~ my Grandma died of cirrhosis of the liver & i'm caring for my father right now who is dying of liver failure, & who refuses to stop drinking ~ i truly felt that it was hopeless to try anymore.

Now, everyone in my life has seen such a profound change in me, in my drinking & in the light that shines from my eyes now. Whoever you are, AI, there is hope. If you can't go the AA route & quit right now, please, look into this. Read up on it, ask your doctor about it.
You don't have to give in to the hopelessness of this path. but, you do have to want to change. And i assume since you wrote this, you do want that.
Blessings.

Your choice is simple. Do you want to live or do you want to die? It really is that simple, and once you stop pretending it isn't, you can face your options honestly. The response is completely in your power and control.

If you decide you want to live, find something that works for you (e.g. AA, Rational Recovery, the spiritual, health, creative or other revival of your choice, etc..) and become as obsessive/compulsive about it as you have about drinking.

On the one hand it's not as simple as "just quit drinking", but on the other it really IS. It really IS the only thing in your life that is wrong and stopping it, simply DOING NOTHING (not drinking) will ultimately resolve every problem you now have.

First, realize that in your current state, it can be hard to find any reason to live. That is an effect of the addiction/dependency and will wane with time clean. Really. You are not in any position right now to decide if you want to live or die...do what you need to do to get clean for a while and your right mind will come back to you. Things will look completely different. You cannot now imagine the difference in how you will feel, both physically and mentally (although, try remembering how you felt BEFORE).

Or just take it on faith and STOP DRINKING for a while and see. or even (and this is blasphemy to some) cut down gradually until you can go a day, then a few days, then longer, without drinking.

Jesus, shit like this makes me even more pissed off that POT is still illegal and ALCOHOL is sanctioned by both church and state. Yeah, if you can/need to, simply swap habits and switch to cannabis. it has never killed anyone.