7 a.m. Hmmm, what can I nitpick so early in the morning?

Oh nooooo, someone was nice to you.

I,A likes to live on the edge, and resents any implication to the contrary.

I,A IS ALWAYS INTENSE.

And this has perturbed you since Saturday morning?? What a sad existence.

"Keep cool"? You told him to keep cool? Kind of emasculating, isn't it, what, he'll just drop dead if he doesn't keep cool? What kind of wimp do you think he is?

There's also just a hint of passive-aggressiveness, that you REALLY meant that he's not cool, not with-it, just a boring old schlub.

You should really hang your head in shame next time you see him. Better yet, when you see him coming, jump in your lavender patch and hide. You'll both be better off.

Maybe you shouldn't share the fact that you leave your windows open all night with random strangers? Which obviously you do if you don't have A/C. Seems like you need a "be safe" warning to survive in this world.

BE SAFE???!!??!? Listen, white people- my safety isn't MY responsibility, it's YOURS! Telling me to be safe is just another form of victim blaming. Solidarity!

Did he hand you a condom? that would have been the responsible thing to do.

"Safe" as in predictable, bland and boring. This is the real message behind "Keep Portland Weird", of which the mere adoption and utterance of has-- and the Illuminati are well aware of this, trust me-- quite the opposite effect from what you'd expect. It's like a secret handshake: "Hey shitlord, how's the privilege?" "Not bad, yours?"

Weird is your favorite local store selling out to brand-incubation investors. It's a mixologist of $20 cocktails that can be reached exclusively by appointment. It's the new luxury apartment building whose tenants immediately begin complaining about the skate park next door (it seemed like such a cool part of the neighborhood in the brochure!)...

But if you're in the know, riding the gravy train of gentrification, development, kickbacks and displacement (let's call that last one revitalization, shall we?), then safe is what you're after. Always chasing that solid gold pair of Toms!

It's calling the cops when the wrong kind of person is digging through your recycling bin. It's furiously tweeting because a homeless guy was riding a bike that you doubt he could afford. It's circling the block ten times because you can't find a place to park near your "car-free" apartment complex.

So yes, keep it safe my friends. Stay the course. May your heading never deviate, Portland, 'cause I like where we're going. And if you don't, well: leave. This is our town now, and we like it real, real safe.

Dear I'anonie, This sounds like he is warning you he is coming over uninvited. He may climb through the window, just to scare you. If your not home he will take your personal items, and save them for souvenirs.
All because you chose to talk to this coffee shop neighbor.
I think next time you should spray him with mace.
Stay Safe means only one thing,