To the Distinguished Nauseous Young of Portland: 1. Older men wear hats because they're cold or bald. 2. Older men smell like ashtrays because younger hipsters are constantly bumming smokes from them, so they never get a chance to quit. 3. Everyone complains about the government in Portland, not just old men, in fact we just had a riot of sorts over the new president. 4. Older men may be flirting with you not because they want to repel you but because they just want to make sure you don't forget to fill their coffee order or possibly because they actually hope you will talk them up to your now single mother, whom your father left for a 22 year old barista.

Thanks for educating me. Now I'll have to tell my girlfriend she should break up with me. Thanks.

Mr. Greener:
Right. They *may* be flirting with younger women for some sophisticated reason, not immediately obvious to an observer not versed in the incredible complexity of older men perving on younger women. Donald Trump *may* be the victim of a mind-controlling alien that just happens to look like a bad hairdo. *Maybe* my cat could talk and get a job if she wanted to, but she chooses to make me look like an idiot every day instead. It just may be!

Also: I'd like this letter to be repeated in every city in America - probably every city everywhere. Men who are no longer the breadwinners and providers, but still try to draw on that cultural legacy so they can talk/touch/take however they want. No thank you!

Dear ExtraSalt, you may have some good points, but the real question is what are you doing this Friday? I rock a serious hat on my receding hairline and have Febreeze the ashtray smell off my Cure T-shirt. And if my 27 year old kid is still living at home, can I still be considered a breadwinner or at least a gamer enabler?