Watching Vaux’s Swifts spiral down the Chapman Elementary School chimney is a truly magnificent experience. Hearing them chirp and sing would be part of this experience if your dumbass children would shut the hell up. One month out of the year, we’re graced with this beautiful occurrence—yet I have to listen to the sounds of children screaming like it’s a goddamn Chuck E. Cheese. Don’t get me wrong. Kids sliding down the hill on cardboard sleds is adorable, and it looks fun as hell. But when the swifts start to circle, it would be totally adult of you to tell your child, “It’s time to sit down. The swifts are coming, and everyone would like to hear them.” If it’s easier for you to let your kid scream than to teach them when it’s appropriate to do so, then let that brat scream at home, not where the rest of us have come to appreciate nature. From the thousands of people without children who are trying to watch and hear the swifts, thank you.—Anonymous
This Week’s Featured I, Anonymous!
A Swift Request
The views expressed in these submissions are from anonymous, unverified sources and do not necessarily represent those of the Portland Mercury.