Kalah Allen

To everyone in Portland who has gone to see live theater: I get it, people performed and you liked it. That is what applause is for. But did you know that you can enjoy applauding while sitting down? You do not have to stand up and give a standing ovation to every single goddamn thing you see. That is not what standing ovations are for! Sit down and clap like everywhere else in the country! If the guy next to you stands up, you do not have to stand up too. If you are drunk, you also do not have to stand up to clap. If your cousin’s girlfriend was in the chorus, you can also stay seated. If children are performing in a lunch room, you are not a bad person for not standing up. You do not have to stand to clap politely or even enthusiastically. Hands are for clapping. Butts are for sitting on while you clap. Standing ovations are supposed to be special. For the times you see the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen. Not for an abbreviated version of Shrek the Musical performed by fifth-graders... unless that was actually the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen. Then, by all means: Go see more theater.—Anonymous