Kalah Allen

I moved to town in February and secured a room online. Based on the pictures and our correspondence, I thought that my 900 bucks a month would get me a chill space where I could sleep, live, and study. I thought wrong. You inconsiderate alcoholic assholes partied every night and were gross slobs. When I found out I was paying 40 percent more than any of you, I knew I had to GTFO. Two months in and I gave notice. You guys got even worse, and I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. After you refused to give me my deposit back, I realized I could either go to court or get revenge. Revenge it was. I smashed raw shrimp into the dryer. I topped off everyone’s shampoo with morning asparagus pee. I also wiped my ass on the corners of your bedsheets and sprinkled my pubes in a bag of micro-greens. Don’t fuck with a guy from Florida.—Anonymous