Kalah Allen

New Portland is like when your parents joined Facebook. “Ooh, look—what a quirky and fun place!” Until, that is, they spot one homeless person. Then, it’s “I didn’t move here and pay all this money so that I would have to look at the people my lifestyle tourism and selfish consumerism displaced!” New Portlanders use the police like they’re personalizing their reality feed. Check @pdxalerts; the calls are getting more vanilla by the day. Someone called the cops because a kid was smoking a cigarette! A tattooed man on a BMX “looked out of place”! What the fuck? You yuppie scumbags moved to this city, thinking your money would protect you from reality. Guess what? This ain’t the hills of San Diego. Portland is scummy, dirty, and gross. We like it that way. It doesn’t matter how many dumpster-diving homeless folks you call the police on: You are not above the rest of us. Welcome to the real world, jackass. —Anonymous