I, Anonymous

Some Humble Parenting Advice



Hmm... Where to start? Maybe on the less controversial side may I first suggest that you pick up one of those old-school things called a "dictionary" and lookup the words "humble" vs "boastful". It seems you are confused about this in your title. But congratulations on making children, you are amazing! I know this is what you want to hear because if it wasn't you wouldn't have taken time out of your day to write this piece of self reassuring grumpiness. On a more serious note I suggest you find a therapist and work out all of this jealousy and self doubt that is causing you to hate on your childless friends so hard before it morphs into a hatred for you own children. In 20 years your children will likely be out of the picture mostly and your still going to have to figure out something to do with your time. Your childless friends will have already figured it out. Good luck.


What's this "we parents" bullshit? Speak for yourself, asshat.


You speak great wisdom. Don't expect that to be appreciated around here.


I see a day in your future when you'll regret writing this and I think that will be the day you realize your kids hate you.


You're fooling no one but yourself. And probably failing at that too.


My wife took the kids to the coast today. I love my kids and all, but life without them is also pretty great


Kids may be better than humans, but dogs beat out kids hands down. Also, in 15 years from now, you will essentially be living the same child-free life as those who chose not to have kids. Only you will likely have a few hundred thousand in college bills. Or, the other likely scenario these days is that the kids will live at home well into their 20's. Either way, you will be #winning!


Here's a clue for you, chief: Beaverton, Tigard and the 'Couve are out there just waiting for you to grace them with you and your spawn. If you're done going to a bar, eating out, and taking trips whenever with the rest of us, that's fine. But they call dive bars "old man bars" for a reason. When you're done dropping the kids off at school and having sendoff merlot at a NW Film rooftop movie, just come back to the bar with the rest of us. We realize you'll still be paying of a second mortgage's worth of debt by that time, so the first round will be on us.


P.S. If you get kicked out of your 480-square-foot one-bedroom in Alimony Flats, don't worry: The place we bought with our child-free income has more than enough space for you to crash.


This was printed verbatim in the Seattle Stranger a couple weeks ago, in their own anonymous rants section. I hope either this is just a resentful parent casting a wide net, or some sort of reprint policy I'm unaware of - I don't want to believe the Merc plagiarized something so petty!


You start your piece by stating that you don't care how other people lead their lives, and then spend the next 600 words complaining about how much childless people bother you. You obviously do care, an awful lot. So much so that you penned a vitriolic screed against people who don't have kids, and submitted it to multiple newspapers. My question is: why does it matter so much to you?


Adopt, don't breed. We have entered the slow apocalypse and I fear our children's future will be miserable as a result from our consumption.