I'm unsure how it would be enforced, but the county has a wood smoke ordinance that restricts fires from October to March. You can file a complaint here: https://multco.us/health/news/new-ordinance-restricts-wintertime-wood-burning

"Hey, fire pit burning idiots: Have you heard of the "air quality index"?"

Yes.

"Have you heard of all the fires on the West Coast?"

Um, yes.

"Did you know Portland has some of the most polluted air in the country?"

Well, that's just completely untrue. Portland generally has some of the best air quality in the country, unless Jefferson County, the Gorge, or a tire yard in NE happen to be burning at the time. Check it: https://airnow.gov/index.cfm?action=airnow.local_city&cityid=160
"Yet there you go again, burning your leaves, your twigs, your logs as you and your friends gather around and kill your brains with alcohol."

None of that is prohibited, including the alcohol: https://www.portlandoregon.gov/fire/article/405003

"Did you know the leaves can actually be taken away by the city and used in something called "composting"? Look it up"

Did you know you don't have to hand yard waste to "the city" to use it for composting? Did you know that a bin of organics, dirt, and worms can make you a lovely compost pile without having to take up some poor municipal worker's time? Look it up.

"I thought millennials were supposed to care about the planet, about the air, but it appears you two mentally-challenged idiots have given up on that."

Did Millennials park an Intel manufacturing plant along 26? Or the Epson plant? Do Millennials drive their apartment-sized RVs into state and national parks and do similar burns under the guise of "camping?"

"Oh, while I'm at it, stop yelling at your dog when she barks and don't yell your dog's name when you're telling her off. If I have to tell you why that makes no sense, then you two really are morons."

I await the results of your neighborhood "bark it out" experiment. If you wanted a city where people didn't do things outdoors, you could've stayed in Ohio.

Oh, was that bothering you?

I don't remotely fucking care, you passive-aggressive shitbags.

Not only was this rant annoyingly self absorbed, but it was poorly written as well. So, no.