Kalah Allen

Last night, you pulled your car into our apartment complex’s parking lot. As I was leaving to walk my dog, I saw you go next door and start cutting all of the spring flowers that my neighbors grew. You also left your car door wide open. And you also left your keys in the ignition. You didn’t see me take your keys, but hearing you come unhinged as I walked around the corner was an absolute delight to my ears. I’m also the one who, while I was walking my dog, called to have your car towed—returning home with my pooch just in time to see you arguing with the towing company. Those big eyes of yours, attached to your entitled face as your car got taken away from you... and then you cried as you called your friends to pick you up! FYI, your keys are in a huge shrub between Sandy and Halsey on 49th. Hope stealing flowers was worth it for you!—Anonymous