To the girls on Sauvie Island: I’m the guy that perhaps set up my spot too close to you guys. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, but I’m pretty sure I did. I was trying to avoid looking at everyone, but you two are attractive, and I glanced a few times. My intention was to slowly drink my magical tea and walk down the nude beach, past the regular beach, to the lighthouse, and back. When I stopped by your spot, I was just gonna light a cigarette and keep moving—but I’d drank my tea too quickly, and before I knew it, my legs didn’t operate very efficiently, so I had to stop about every 50 feet to ride the wave in my head. As I was sitting down, I swore I heard one of you say, “He better at least get naked,” and since I was on a nude beach, I just went with it. My head was swirling, but it was freeing, and the sun and wind felt good on my skin. So whenever I would stop on my walk, for either five minutes or an hour (I’m not sure), I would get naked to try to blend in and not be that weird guy wearing clothes on a nude beach. Unfortunately, I ended up being that weird guy who was tripping balls and kept getting dressed and undressed as I slowly made my way down the beach. I’m sorry.—Anonymous