Kalah Allen

Six months in, I asked for a raise at a thankless job I was doing great at. You commended me about once a month, so I felt it was fitting to ask for a six percent raise. But you declined. So I gave my two weeks’ notice and left to work some odd jobs. Months went by, and you struggled to find my replacement. When you couldn’t, you bumped the wage up. Still, no one fitting applied! I strolled in and said, “Sure, I’ll do it—for six percent more than this new wage you’re offering.” You hired me back, so now I’m at a 12 percent raise. Yay! But now I’m using my time at work to fine tune my resumé, network, and get myself into something better. All on your dime, you dick! Also, I’m seeing your stepdaughter and have been using your toiletries. This is going to be the best summer ever!—Anonymous