[The following is a classic I, Anonymous submission from deep in the Mercury archives. Enjoy!—eds.]

Dear shirtless guy: please put a shirt on. You are in public. You are at Safeway. You are driving. You are walking down Highway 99. And you don't have a shirt on. And you know what's worse? You don't even have one with you. You didn't even bring a shirt when you left your home. And you’re not even planning on putting one on when you get where you’re going, are you? You're just going to arrive and proclaim, "I'm here, look at my nipples." You dirty son of a bitch. For the love of god, PLEASE put on a shirt.—Anonymous