[The following is a classic I, Anonymous submission from deep in the Mercury archives. Enjoy!โ€”eds.]

Dear shirtless guy: please put a shirt on. You are in public. You are at Safeway. You are driving. You are walking down Highway 99. And you don't have a shirt on. And you know what's worse? You don't even have one with you. You didn't even bring a shirt when you left your home. And youโ€™re not even planning on putting one on when you get where youโ€™re going, are you? You're just going to arrive and proclaim, "I'm here, look at my nipples." You dirty son of a bitch. For the love of god, PLEASE put on a shirt.โ€”Anonymous