Hi, all! We here at the Mercury apologize for the lack of pithy rants and confessions lately in America's sweetest column, I, Anonymous! There's a currently a problem with a server that refuses to recognize the genius submissions you're sending in (probably because it's jealous), and the company that runs the servers are presently at a loss for explaining the problem. 🙄

That said, we expect this annoying situation to be fixed in the near future. In the meantime, you can still send your screeching, beautiful rants to anonymous@portlandmercury.com and we will put them on the site manually (and don't worry—your identity will never be revealed). You can also find this address on our regular submissions page.

Thanks for your patience with bullshit, overrated technology (and we could write a lengthy rant about this very topic, but won't, because it would be even more tedious than the people who write in complaining about bikes, homeless people, or who submit their poetry [NEVER submit poetry to I, Anonymous... what are you thinking??]), and we appreciate you!

Your friends at the Mercury ❤️